I had felt sick to my stomach for no apparent reason. I laid in bed all day feeling like the living dead but I just had to get up and go to the doctor. To be fair rescheduling was difficult. I sat in the back of the car leaving my appointment, the monthly “How are you? How is school? How are your meds?” was over and I was content with returning to the couch to wait out the icky feeling I was experiencing. My moms phone began to ring and she turned down the music that would have otherwise drowned out her voice for whoever was calling and she picked up. “I just got done taking Kiah to the doctor, why?” she questioned and immediately I started to try to pinpoint who was calling, probably my dad. Maybe he got home and wondered why we weren’t there too and called. “Why, what’s going on?” We pulled over in front of a small used car dealership that probably claimed some cheesy name. “I am now, what is going on?” I was utterly confused, adding onto this a few seconds after she spoke those last words my mother broke out into tears which scared the absolute s*** out of me. It wasn’t common a sentence could break my mom. “Is that Oscar?” I asked, I had jumped to the conclusion she had been talking to my grandfather. She didn’t answer me but she did start to drive and engage in conversation that I can’t exactly remember but I knew that something had happened to my grandma. Before I could fully sort the things my mom was saying on the phone out I was crying profusely. The gasping for air like you’re a toddler throwing an insane fit cry. Grandma had not been up to skype us the day before, it was Easter approximately one month after her open heart surgery that had went over fairly well but she just wasn’t up for it. I continued to ask frantic questions none of which I can recall my mom answering, we ended up parking outside the restaurant that my uncle worked at. She wasn't on the phone anymore she got out of the car and my uncle walked out of the doors simultaneously. Their faces almost matched as they hugged halfway, they stood in place weeping into each other's arms. They had both just lost the same thing, I don’t remember much else from that day other than the feeling. The feeling that would last a couple months, I was undeniably drained. I couldn’t watch my favorite show, grandma watched it too, we would talk about the episode that aired that week right after it ended. I didn’t want to go to school simply because I already felt bad enough. I was feeling things I had never felt and at the same time not feeling things that I had always felt. I believe everyone has this big impactful and terrible loss in their life that shapes them forever, my grandma’s death was mine. Through the experience I learned to never take love for granted because you never know when it could “disappear”. I hold my loved ones tighter to this day, before I had never really thought about losing them. Honestly I’ve become a bit overprotective, I watch my younger brother like a hawk subconsciously and always check up on what he’s doing, I am the designated “You aren’t wearing a seatbelt so now I’m gonna yell at you until you do!” lady. My grandma’s passing has not only made me more aware of possibility of a loss but prepared. Nothing ever hit me as hard and I hope that nothing ever does but even so I will be more capable than I was of persevering.
Blood Rather Than Water
January 20, 2018