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My Life Will Never Be the Same
The questions started forming when I was in Middle School. “How old is she?” “Do I look like her?” “Why did she give me up?” “Does she even remember me, does she miss me?” These thoughts and questions rushed through my head everyday until I turned 18. Maybe one day my questions will finally be answered. I only know little information from what my parents have told me. When I was born I was three months premature and had to stay in the NICU for two months. My mom was 16 when she had me, and I found out I was adopted when I was about 9 years old. Now that I am 18 the questions are starting to all come together and I am ready to find my birth mom or dad.
Today is my last first day of highschool with all my amazing memories that I have made and I remember writing some of them in my journal. Dear future Nicole, Today is my first day of highschool, and let me tell you something I am scared to death. There are so many kids here it is truly mind blowing. I went to Catholic elementary and middle school and my graduating class was 104 kids. At my new school there are about 415 kids just in my grade alone so about 1,060 total. I walked through the doors and felt confident. Honestly though I cannot wait I’m 18 so I can finally meet my birth mom. These questions just aren't going away”
I remember meeting all my amazing friends and having such a great time with all of them. Some people stood out better than other but I still tried to be friends with everyone but someone was definitely missing. One day I was walking in the hall and I was all alone until someone came up to me and started talking to me.
“Hey, what is your name?” A girl came up to me and asked. She was really nice and pretty.
“My name is Nicole, I’m new.” I said with a smile
“ Hi Nicole my name is Veronica, Nice to meet you.” she said.
My day went on and I saw Veronica a few times in the hallway. I went to all my classes and had a really good day. My week went on and went really well. I made more and more friends. There is one guy that I will always remember meeting. His name is Leeshawn and I met him in choir but then I dropped out of that class. He found me the next week and we talked and we became really close friends. I went home that night and told my mom about my day.
“I am so happy for you and that you have adjusted so well. You are going to love this school.” She said with a huge smile on her face.
The questions about my birth mom began running through my mind again.
“Does she ever wonder about me?” I asked myself with a dead look across the table.
“Are you okay Nicole, you seem stressed.”My mom said
“Yes I am fine, I am just thinking.” I said
“You know you can tell me anything that is on your mind.”
“Yes I know, I think I am going to go take a shower and then go to bed.”I said goodnight
I walked up the stairs, grab my clothes and I shut my door. How could I tell my mom and dad that I had questions about my birth mom, that would break their hearts. My parents mean the world to me. Sometimes they just do not understand where I am coming from. See I grew up asking questions about my mom but not my dad because I didn’t know who he was, but I only got a few answers. One day my parents had a social worker to come over to our house and talk to me.
This was the day that broke my heart when I was 14, all I wanted and hoped for were answers from the social worker about my mom but she couldn't give me any since I was so young.
“Her name is Vanessa and she was about 16 when she had you, but unfortunately I cannot tell you much since you are not 18.” She said with a face of sadness.
After the talk I went up stairs and went to bed. The next day I was walking to class when my phone went off. I got a text in big bold letters, “Hey it’s me, It’s been forever! How are you? I miss you and I am in town. I love you bye.”
So many words rushed through my head. Who is this? How did they get my number?
At the end of the day I rushed home and found my mom was standing in the driveway. “Hi honey how was school.” She asked with a big smile on her face.
“It was fine I said, Why are you smiling?”
“Oh,no reason now get inside.” she commanded
I walked up to my room and my door was shut, “weird” I thought. My door is never shut maybe my mom cleaned it today or my dog got into my trash again. I didn’t really think anything of it but just as I opened the door I couldn't believe my eyes. Tears started forming in my eyes and flowing down my cheeks. I ran and jumped into his arms and squeezed him as tight as I possibly could . I was beyond speechless. I scream to my mom.
“ My best friend is home, OMG Bryce is home.”
“Nicole I missed you so much, I needed to come home and see you it has been forever! Stop crying you are such an emotional person. I missed that about you.I texted you earlier and I wanted to surprise you.” He said
“I missed you so much and you're goofy comments. This is such an amazing surprise I wasn't expecting it at all.” I said
Bryce didn’t go to my school he was homeschooled until he moved away. I went to elementary school and middle school with him so that's how we became friends. Many people thought Bryce was some random guy that I became friends with just to be friends with because he was a jock and a popular. People didn't know Bryce for who he was so I'm going to tell you a little more about him. Bryce has been my friend since I was in second grade and then when I was a junior he moved away to Louisiana to live with his dad. I lost my best friend and my only friend who knew everything about me. Now that I am a senior I have realized how great of a friend he truly is and always will be. Bryce is the type of person who will always be there for his friends and family and always helps when you need advice. Bryce has a very big heart and will always put you before himself which is a big deal because most people aren’t like that.“Nicole I am going to help you find your mom you are such a great person and I believe that you deserve answers.” Bryce said
For the next couple of days Bryce and I went out to find more information about my mom. We found out where she lives, her full name, that she is about 34 right now. It was a great start but it wasn’t enough. We needed to dig deeper and that’s what we did. We went to the adoption agency and talked to a very nice man and he told us he would help us out as much as he could. He asked me what information I already knew and I told him her name, where she lives and how old she is.
“Okay that is a great start and very helpful information, let me see what else I can find.” He said with a soothing voice.
Bryce and I waited in a room for a while looking at all the books about adoption and how it works. I learned that I had a closed adoption and my parents met my mom a few times. The mane came back a few minutes later and told us that he will email me some more information that will help me in this process. We got in Bryce’s car and started driving he turned on the radio and I fall apart by Post Malone came on. Our favorite song so we started singing and dancing and it was a day to remember until we got back to my house. We pulled in my driveway and got out of the car still laughing and having a good time. We walked up to my room and I opened my computer, Bryce looking over my shoulder waiting to see if we got an email.
“Don’t freak out Nicole, you will get an email don’t worry we will get through this” Bryce said with a smile
“I know it’s just I want information but at the same time I am extremely scared for some of the answers.” “What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she forgot about me?” I started to freak out.
“Nicole stop overthinking everything you are a beautiful and amazing women. Your mom and dad will want to meet you. Even though she had you at a young age doesn’t mean she forgot about you, You need to stay positive and always know I am going to right by your side.”
As he said that an email notification popped up on my screen. It was the email from the agency. Bryce and I sat there and stared at each other, Bryce was right I just had to stay positive and stay calm. It started off saying that they found some more information but it is closed until I sign a letter.
“Good that’s a great start Nicole, they are finding more and more information about your mom.” Bryce said with a smile.
He looked at me a few minutes later and knew something was up. He knew something was wrong but I wasn't going to tell him. I didn’t want to tell him but of course he got it out of me.
“I’m just thinking too much about her and I want to know more but none of these answers are helping me find her.” I said. “I just wish this was easier for us, I’m sorry that this process is taking so long I feel horrible.”
“Nicole don’t be silly, you know I want to be here and help you. It’s going to take a while to get down to the bottom of this, you just need to have confidence not just with the agency but also with yourself.” He said.
After a long day of searching Bryce and I sat in my room and listened to music and eventually I fell asleep. When I woke up Bryce was still sitting in the same position as before. He looked at me and smiled and told me to go back to bed. So that’s what I did. As I was lying there I told myself everything was going to be okay, I just had to believe. I woke up the next morning, got dressed, did my makeup and went downstairs.
“Good morning sleepy head I made you breakfast, eggs, bacon and pancakes with a side of orange juice. Enjoy!” My mom said.
“Where’s Bryce? He wasn’t upstairs when I woke up, did you see him?” I asked
“Yes he left right before you got up, he said he was going to the gym and then he was going to go to the library and get a book for his class so he could stay on top of his school work while he is here.” She said.
I walked back upstairs and went to my room. I sat on the floor and opened my laptop. The emailed popped up but I didn't feel like reading it so I closed the window and opened up Youtube. Everyday I watch and rewatch Kian and Jc videos, they always make me laugh and make my day better. My room was my safe place. I would always find myself happier when I was in it. This was the time of day that I loved being alone, watching videos and just relaxing and being stress free and happy. It was always so peaceful and calm and I could collect my thoughts. The next couple of days were rough on me and Bryce. We weren’t getting any more answers and we got a call from the agency telling us to come in the following week. So that’s what we did.
“Hi guys, thank you for coming in and meeting with us how are you guys doing today?” He asked.
“We are doing good just wondering why we are here?” Bryce said.
“Good question Bryce, We got a letter from your birth mom Nicole and I’m sorry to say this but at this time she doesn't want to meet you.”
I was in shock and so hurt and upset. How could she do this to me after all this information and me getting so happy to finally meet her. She turns around and says no it’s not the right time. It was like a huge slap in the face. I got up and walked out and didn't look back. Bryce came running after me, trying to calm me down but it didn’t work. He just stood in front of me holding me and telling me it was going to be okay.
“Maybe now isn’t the best time to meet her. Maybe she is going through something or she is just super nervous. I mean of you think about it it is a lot to take in at once.” He said trying to stay positive.
“Yeah you’re right I guess, I mean it is a lot to take in all at once. It just hurts me knowing she doesn’t even want to see or meet me right now.” I said
I sat in the car as we drove home just thinking the whole time. Bryce turned on the radio and tried to make me smile but it didn’t happen. My day just kept getting worse and worse but I put a smile on my face anyway. We got home and I went up stairs and me and Bryce talked about everything and he finally was able to calm me down.
“Nicole you mean the world to me and you are a very strong girl but you can’t let this one situation bring you down. What if we try to get in contact with your dad or your brother?”
The room was filled with silence and we both just looked at each other and then smiled. We got up and went back to the agency to talk to Jason.
“We actually have a lot of information on your dad as well as your brother. Which one would you like to hear first?”
“Tell me about my dad”
“Your dad is 36 and lives in California with a wife and two kids, they are 3 and 5 years old. He has asked about you and wants to meet you, you just need to fill out this document for us.” He said as he moved on talking about my brother. “Your brothers name is Grant your dad had him with another girl when he was 16. So your brother is 20,he lives in Clarkston with his adoptive parents and siblings. Now if I was you I would meet you brother first and then your dad but it’s your call.” He said.
I sat there with Bryce and took in this information I kept thinking to myself “Wow I have a brother , I wonder what he’s like?” As I thought more and more about it I figured it was a good idea.
“Alright I want to go find my brother and see how it all works out.” I said.
“We can leave in the morning and go talk to him. By chance do you have his phone number or something so we can call him.” Bryce asked.
The man gave us the phone number that we should call. I was nervous but excited at the same time. We left the agency and drove home, we told my parents what our plan was and they were fine with it. We set out the next day to find my brother and it was a lot easier than we thought. We met him at a store and talked for a while. It was a lot of fun actually he was super nice and very open to talking.
“Well I definitely wasn’t expecting a call from you but I’m glad I did. My dad told me some things about you like your name and age but he didn’t tell me the whole story.” Grant said.
“My moms name is Vanessa she is 34 now, she had me when she was 16. I’m trying to get in contact with her but she doesn’t want to meet me yet. I thought it would be a good idea to meet you since I mean after all you are my brother.” I said.
We walked around and talked for about two or three hours, Bryce and I asked him a few questions just to see what he liked. Turns out me and him like a lot of the same things. It was nice knowing I had another brother and knowing he was older then me and I could look up to him if I needed advice or help with something.
“Alright well I have to go to soccer practice, text me later. We should hang out later maybe we could all grab a bite to eat tonight or see a movie?”Grant said.
Bryce and I both said yes and waved goodbye, we went our separate ways. I kept smiling and Bryce knew I was happy. The whole way back to the car Bryce kept saying how much we looked alike and how much we have in common.
“I think it was a lot better meeting him then you mom. With him you guys can talk about school,sports,friends anything really and you always know he will be there for you. He seemed really happy you meet you and I’m glad we did.” Bryce said.
“Yeah you were right I’m so glad we meet him and I’m so glad that you went with me. Thank you so much for being such an amazing friend and wanting to be here with me and helping me find all of these answers.”
Bryce stayed at my house for about a month or so after we met my brother. Everyday I always thanked him for going with me and finding my brother. We stopped and got ice cream and then we were on our way home so I could show him some pictures.
“You don’t need to keep saying thank you haha, I know how thankful you are trust me. I would do anything for you Nicole and I hope you see that.”
“Yes I know you would and that is why I am so thankful to have you in my life.” I said.
He looked over at me with his big brown eyes and just looked he didn’t say a word. He placed one hand on the steering wheel and took my hand in his other and just drove away. He told me to close my eyes and take a nap he took my hand and started rubbing his thumb around in circles. I closed my eyes and finally fell asleep. I awoke to him sitting on the couch playing a game on his phone and as I sat up he smiled.
“What are you smiling at you dork.” I asked
“You are so beautiful when you sleep, not that you aren’t when you are awake but you know what I mean. I totally just sounded like a girl but I don’t care. Nicole I need to tell you something but I don’t want to take it the wrong way, we have been friends for almost 8 years now and this has been going through my mind ever since I got to your house, I just didn’t know how to tell you….