Anxiety in My Heart

December 11, 2017

When I arrived home, I closed the front door and dropped my stuff on the floor. I stood there, letting the tears roll down my face. I tripped a few times heading to the bathroom as their words clouded my thoughts.


   “Don’t get an attitude with me; I don’t care.”
   “Better be careful; we don’t need that white girl telling on us.”
  

My vison began to blur as I stood in front of the mirror. My reflection stared back at me; my hair in a knot and my eyes puffy and red. More tears streamed down my face as I gripped the counter. 


   “Look at yourself,” I laughed. “Crying over what? You are pathetic, stupid really. You wondered why people are disappearing from your life. People can’t stand to be around you. No one cares.”
  

I slammed my fist against the counter and screamed out in frustration. My hand was turning red and I could feel it starting to turn numb. I fell to the ground, curling up into a ball and tucked my knees into my chest.
   “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” I mumbled. “This is why your family hates you. This is why your friends hate you. No, this is why your friends left you. You think that people like you. Ha-ha. You even think you’re attractive. You have never been more wrong.”

 

I laughed, digging my nails into my thigh. I lay down on the floor, hitting my head against the title. The tears stopped and the pain subsides, numbness spreading throughout my body. I lay there, wishing I could disappear. I closed my eyes and hoped that I could wake up from this nightmare and actually be happy.


I heard a car pull into the driveway and I stood up, looking at myself. I wiped my eyes and pulled my hair back into a pony tail. The front door opened and my grandmother walked in. She said nothing, but continued walking, leaving me there to piece myself together.


   “Don’t cry,” I mumbled, wiping a tear away. “You will be okay.”

 

    Fast Forward Two Hours
   

We arrived at the game to see my best friend, Hailey, already waiting for us. As soon as I walked through the gate, I grabbed her hand and dragged her up the bleachers to the very top where we usually sat. She sat down, pointing out my blue hair and “GO BLUE” tattoo on my arm. I shrugged and we continued to talk about random things. Eventually more people showed up, but none of our friends had gotten there yet.


    “We have been issued a 22 minute delay for lightening in a ten mile area,” the announcer spoke. “Take shelter, but do not go to your vehicles if you do not wish to buy another ticket.”


    A police officer was ushering people down the bleachers, but didn’t notice us. We watched as everyone left the bleachers including the band, drill team, and color guard. I turned around and noticed a huge black cloud miles away. Hailey followed my line of vison and gasped. The sky was filled with black clouds in the distance, but we didn’t care.  


   “Breezy,” someone yelled.
I froze, afraid to turn around and see who yelled my name.

   Hailey glanced back and rolled her eyes. “Michael,” she mouthed. 

   I sighed and turned around.
   “Here, I bought this for you and since it might rain, you might be able to use it,” he chirped, smiling like a puppy.
    He opened up his backpack and pulled out a jacket; the colors were black and white. I took the jacket from him and started jumping up and down. On the back was the Harry Potter Crest and on the front upper right side was a smaller one. He had gotten me a Harry Potter Lettermen Jacket. I hugged him and then put the jacket on.
    “I better go, the band will need me,” he said.


    I watched him descend the bleachers and I could feel Hailey staring at me. I turned towards her and she begun laughing. I remained quiet, until my phone started ringing in my pocket. I pulled out my phone and saw that my grandmother was calling me.


    “Hello,” I answered.
    “Come inside by the elevator,” she demanded.
    I hung up and Hailey and I head inside. My grandmother was standing there, watching the sky.
     “We were watching the rain behind us,” I said, pointing behind me.


      She shook her head and we stood there waiting to go back outside. More people came inside to stay safe, I guess. I mean we are technically still on a freaking giant metal thing and if lightning strikes, then there is a pretty good chance some people will get hurt wherever they are.


     “Please return to your seats, the game will begin shortly,” the announcer informed us.


     I pulled Hailey outside back to our seats and we waited for everyone else to show. Bianca and Devon were the first to arrive, they plopped down around us. Then came Justin (complicated history with him, honestly), who sat down right next to me and took my jacket away from me.


     During the game, Devon and Justin stole my tutu and cape. Where did they go with the stuff I asked myself? They wouldn’t tell us, but they did tell us that if they got permission from Dr. Smith, then they could become Super Gators. Which is just someone who dresses up in costumes and runs around, showing off school spirit; something I’d personally love doing.


Hailey, Bianca, and I kept trying to convince Devon to hype the section we were sitting in. Nobody was cheering, nobody was yelling, absolutely nothing was happening. Eventually, we convinced Devon to be our hype man.
     “Where my gators at,” he yelled.  
     “What,” I yelled back.


      Silence could be heard around us, except for Bianca’s and Hailey’s laughter. I felt so disappointed for many reasons. Devon just sat down and acted like the whole thing never happened.
I noticed my phone vibrating in my pocket, so I pulled it out and saw that I had a message from Michael.
      Can you come inside I have something to give you?-Michael


I showed everyone the message and Hailey jumped right up to be my backup if anything happened.  Bianca stayed there while the rest of us went inside to see what else Michael had bought for me. He frowned when he noticed the people following, but never acknowledged them.


      I stood there and talked to him as Hailey recorded. He turned sideways so they couldn’t see what he was about to give me.
Please don’t be a kiss, I thought to myself.
      He reached into his pocket and pulled out a necklace; on the pendent was with the letter M. I took the necklace from him and stared at it, not sure how to feel especially with them watching us like hawks. Michael hugged me and then left. Hailey rushed over and took the necklace from me to look at it.
     “Why a letter M,” Devon asked.
     “It’s the first letter of his name,” I replied. “So people know who you are quote on quote dating; which we are not.”
     We went back to our seats and told everything to Bianca who was quietly waiting for us to come back. She kind of thought the necklace was too much, but the thought was sweet.
     The game continued with other boring drama and game plays. I looked down the bleachers and noticed Michael and this girl all cuddled up together. I tried to look away before anyone else noticed and could make a big deal out of the situation. Hailey quickly noticed what I was doing and followed my line of vision. She grabbed the necklace from my hand and handed it to Devon.
     “Go give this back to Huntsman and tell him we don’t accept gifts from f boys,” she said, not looking at, but at Devon to make sure he does what she tells him to do.


      I sat there watching this unfold, trying to get the necklace. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t agree with her, but I also didn’t want to give the necklace. I like gifts and I thought the gesture was really sweet. I wasn’t ready to break his heart.
     

Devon looked at me and then went down to give the necklace to him. Instantly, my phone began to blow up with messages from two different people.
     

The girl Michael had been with took his phone and started to text me saying how they are just friends, her boyfriend is on the field, and all this other crap. I replied that I wasn’t intending on giving the necklace back, my friends took it, and that I know they aren’t a thing.
    

The other person was Lily. Lily was the girl who hated my guts after she almost got charges pressed against me. Long story short, she stopped talking to me until now, blowing up, yelling at me about how I need to stop being such an attention seeker and stop telling people what she happened. An argument started shortly after, because I told one of my friends what happened and they defended me to her.
     

I walked down the bleachers, got the necklace back from Michael, and raised my voice at Lily who came up to me, livid. We screamed at one another for a few minutes and then parted ways. People were beginning to leave the game as I was walked out of the gates, seeing as the game ended. Hailey followed me, not saying anything. I turned around and hugged her.


      “I am sorry all of this had to happen on your birthday,” I told her.
      “It’s okay,” she replied. “What’s funny is that you got more gifts on my birthday than I did.”
      

We both laughed and slid into my car. My family and I dropped Hailey off at her house and we headed home. As soon as I walked through the door, my phone started to blow up again with messages from Lily. A full blown war broke out between us over text and she was spitting fire in every direction while I tried to make things civil for once. She didn’t want that; she wanted to never talk to me again. I agreed with that idea.
     

I ran to my room and lay on my bed, thinking about everything that had happened. A few tears rolled down and I could feel myself, losing control. I curled up into a ball and hoped I could keep a hold of myself together until tomorrow.
     

Just keep breathing and staying calm, I thought. Hold on until tomorrow and then go from there. One day at a time. I can do this.


     “So I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons,” Charlie wrote. “And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from. We can still where we go from there. And we can try to feel okay about them.”  - The Perks Of Being A Wallflower






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