Have you ever had that feeling? Like you’re stuck? I was stuck.  I am stuck.  I’ve been stuck.  I’m a completely different person now, than I was the day my parents got divorced.  It didn’t feel like it at the time, but I’m just now realizing that my whole life got flipped upside down.  My father and I never had the greatest relationship, and personally I never wanted one.  I still don’t.  So, why does it hurt so bad? Why do I cry when he yells at me? Why do I feel broken when he says the things he does? I question myself everyday.  My mom and stepdad tell me it’s because I do want that relationship with my dad, I just don’t know how to get it.  I’m sixteen years old now, I’m still learning who I am, and my dad isn’t helping.  I’ve noticed that life’s not always going to give you your way, but it’ll try if you make an effort in life.  I’m not making effort, I’m not trying anymore, and life has thrown that in my face.  I want to be a better person to my father, I want to get along with him, but I need answers on how I can do that.  I just want answers to all my questions.

The stench of cigarette smoke and alcohol tickle my nose, as I go to brush my teeth. The beer bottles scattered across the house from the night before, dishes from dinner still lie in the sink waiting to be washed. Here comes this bulky, bald, mixed, 56 year old man stumbling out of the kitchen. It’s him against me. As me I mean, a 5’7 brown haired 16 year old girl.

“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” my dad says to me as I come upstairs to brush my teeth.”

“Well, I had planned on going to breakfast with David, but right now I’m brushing my teeth,” I replied with irritation in my voice.  I didn’t realize how much that sentence would affect him, but shortly after it I realized that he was very upset. As I’m brushing my teeth he gets up and is questioning me, wondering why I think it’s okay for me to not ask for permission.  As he kept talking, the tone in his voice kept changing and it sounded like he was bellowing for help, which started to scare me because I don’t like confrontation.  I burst into tears, not realizing at first why I’m crying, I’m not sure if it was from the yelling or the words he was saying. For some reason, when one fight starts that automatically starts every other fight that’s been bottled up inside.  After minutes went by, I became blinded by the words he was yelling at me. 

I wasn’t meant to be there, and I wanted out.

Tears, I felt them, but I didn’t fully understand why they were there.  At the moment the only thing that was running through my mind was Why am I even here? I don’t think I will ever understand why he does and says the things he does.  I don’t think anyone will.  I got myself dressed and ready, grabbed all of my things including my keys, and tried to walk out the door.  Except there was one thing holding me back, my dad, he had grabbed the back of my backpack and pulled me back into the house.  He then proceeded to close the front door and lock it, then he moved towards the back of the house and locked the slider door as well.  I don’t know why he had locked me in the house.  I didn’t know how scared I could be of one person, but on that day everything fell into place in my mind.  I felt like the tears would never stop falling down my face.  My father didn’t hear the words I cried, he didn’t even know what he had done wrong.  My body was shaking of fear.

The first words that came out of my mouth to him were “F*** you, and stay away from me.”  At the moment I didn’t know it was wrong of me to say, but later on I did.  I kept screaming at the top of my lungs “I WANT TO GO HOME!!” For some reason he still didn’t hear me, and he kept going and digging into me with the words that he knew were hurting me.  I wanted to leave but he wouldn’t let me, and I will never understand to this day why.  I question myself everyday about it, I’m just waiting for an answer.  I will do anything to have my life back to normal.  I will wait for the day that all the fights come to an end, the yelling halts, and the tears turn to smiles.