God Hold My Tears

October 2, 2017
By Anonymous

 It was as if I was drowning and could never escape, like I could never take a breath. It was always back and forth, the arguments. It was as if I wasn’t a human, like I had no feelings. The problem was frequent, I guess I got used to it. You see, they said it was me, that I was the problem, and at one point I believed it. His words were like a knife to my heart, shattering it in the smallest pieces. Over and over again these words return and swirl around my mind on the daily.

The door slammed, the walls shook, and the paintings tilted. I curled myself in a ball in the corner of my bed. I always thought that if I gave him one more chance, he would change. He won't be bitter, he won't be rude, and he won't treat me the way he was treating me. There it was, the yelling, the fighting, the arguments, the bitterness. He took out his anger on me physically. He would hide his beatings with scriptures from the Bible. Twisted and manipulative he was.

He stood over me, I didn’t flinch, I knew that whatever he did, I was going to stay calm. It went in slow motion, the brown thick leather belt. Woosh. I closed my eyes, thought of peaceful things, the only thing that would not make me lash out. There was no reason why it hit me, he was just angry. I always thought he got it from his father, the abuse. I kept thinking If I kept loving him he would change. That he would become the person God actually made him as. At one point, I did love him, until he did this. When people yell, it gives me anxiety, the thought of people’s voices getting louder and louder to prove a point reminds me of my past.

I felt the pain but I did not hear it anymore. The music helped me ease the pain. When I put my earbuds in my ears, it was like I entered the world where everything was perfect; perfect harmony and perfect love. My earbuds have become my most sentimental object. It reminds me of the terrible times I got through. My break-through, and how I conquered. How I kept fighting through the pain. I kept my head up, and i fought through. I knew it would get better in the future. I thought about all the good things I had in my life. Yet I lived with my stepdad and mom, I still had my real father in my life.

Every tear shed, every cry wept, no one heard or saw. See, I kept it in, all my pain, and one day, I exploded. I lost trust, I stopped believing, and It was hard to love. It was hard for me to accept love from people. In the end, somehow I have to thank him, all the struggle, the pain, and all the suffering, the experience made me stronger, it helped me know I could overcome anything.

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