My Soulmate

October 2, 2017

His eyes still carried that sad look, that I was dying to erase. It was that picture his grandmother showed me, it haunted me weeks after. He was laying down on a bed at the age of two, at this time I would be around 1, his big curly golden hair and eyes the color of a clear sky on a summer day. He had just been ripped away from his mother, sent off to a foreign house. When his grandmother finally got him back, she laid down with him and took that photo that would break my heart in years to come. The look in his eyes was a cry for help, like a mother’s who had lost a child.  The first time she showed it to me was the day that I got to see him after a month of waiting with nothing but texts to get us through it. A month isn’t very long but when you put your hand onto a burner a few seconds seems like an eternity. When I saw it all I could think was to reach out, touching the picture trying to comfort him in the only way I could. I wanted to hold him, never letting go. My heart was screaming at me, my head saying the same thing over and over again, tell him it would be okay. I could feel a silent sob about to push it’s way out of my throat through my lips like a baby’s first cry. Then I felt his hand on my shoulder, soft but firm, reassuring, my eyes traveled up to his face. Now he was 17 and I was 16. His hair is a dirty blond, it had gotten darker with age but his eyes still the same shade of light blue, that changed to green depending on his mood. The sob was fought it’s way back down but my heart still ached. I moved my hand and rubbed my thumb over his cheek hoping to help the scared little boy deep inside of him.

 

On January 15th, I was at my friends house with the boy, trying to understand each other. I was about 14 in a half at this point in our lives.  My friend was playing on his computer, it was some first person shooter game that we weren’t paying attention too. Instead our eyes were on each other, a glimmer of hope in our eyes at what we might become. We had made ourselves comfortable on my friends bed. He didn’t have a frame, his bed was on the floor off to one side in the corner. It was one of the only places to sit because my friend’s room was small and you could only fit a bed, a chair and a desk in it. It was small in size but at this time it was my world. The boy had taken one shoe off and so had I, we didn’t have a reason too nor did we plan it. Both us did the left foot, his sock was white with a gray and red line at the top where mine was a plain black. I tried to put his shoe on but it was double mine which made me feel small compared to him, I looked like a child putting on their father’s shoes. He picked up my shoe, trying to put it on but it barely fit past his toes. We laughed at this almost like laughing was going out of style. I hadn’t felt this happy in a long time, he filled this place in my heart that I had torn out.  I remember my sides hurting the next day but, it was a good hurt. Almost like a brain freeze from eating ice cream on a hot day.   He gave me his jacket at the end of the night. He said it was to have a piece of him. It smelt like him a mix of his deodorant and smoke , the kind of smell you could almost wrap yourself in. I kept the jacket for months before I gave it back.


It was first ballet I had ever been too everything in my mind was running marathons, he sat next to me smiling happily which calmed me down. I was in my best dress, it was white and lacy with a collar added onto it, usually I felt too embarrassed to wear something like this in public but with him I felt safe. I was 15 at this time while he was 16. We were both still young and dumb even now we still are. He was wearing the jacket I finally and reluctantly gave back after him pleading for weeks on end for it. I had been planning going to the ballet for months, bought the tickets, found a nice dress, planned the evening and asked him to go with me. As the dancers came out on stage, his eyes lit up as I am sure mine did as well. I felt like fireworks had gone off inside of my body, excitement rolled off me in waves. He grabbed my hand, it was almost like swimming underwater then he pulled me up into a new world. One that I still explore  I sat criss cross applesauce, not caring what others thought because at this time it was only me and him experiencing this moment together. Once they were done dancing we couldn’t remove the smiles from our faces it was like a child who had just been given the best toy but that toy was each other.


I sat in the car next to my mom, it was the first time I was going to the boy’s house it was January and I hadn’t hit 15 yet still had half a year to go. I was beyond nervous, my blood was rushing to my head like I had been running a marathon. My mom time and time again told me to calm down but my body couldn’t let the feeling go, it was gripping on with all its strength. We went through the twists and turns that took over the road, trees were everywhere like when you walk down the aisle of a football game. Bright green like moss in a pond that hasn’t been touched by a human in ages. In through my nose out through my mouth. In through my nose out through my mouth. Again and again. I repeated over and over but it didn’t help either. I tried to remember the directions for my mom but my brain turned into soup that had been left out overnight. She stopped in front of his house, there was a gate that blocked my path. I grabbed the door handle and slowly opened it. I left the safe feeling of the car and walked into uncertainty.


I was 16 when we went down to the lake that was right by his house. He had given me some clothes to change into for our first time swimming together. The black shorts felt a bit tight but it didn’t matter. He held my hand as we walked down the dock which was wobbling left and right just like my confidence in it. As we neared the water I couldn’t help but noticed at his eyes were almost the same color as the green water. I was easily cold unlike him, I touched my toes in the water but quickly jumped back it felt like someone had dumped 1,000 pounds of ice right where my innocent toes were placed in. He tried to persuade me to get in after that but I protested. I wasn’t a strong swimmer either unlike him, he had told me once last summer he almost got across the lake. I stood up next to him and he grabbed my hand, I didn’t think much of it until he looked at me with a wild look in his eyes. I tried to get away but next thing I knew I watched him as he jumped into the water pulling me along with him. All sound had been cut out as I tried to feel for a bottom where there wasn’t one. I pushed my way up just in time to see him smiling at me. I wrapped myself around him as he grabbed onto the dock. He held me tight as we both wished this moment wouldn’t end.


February 5th isn’t a day I will forget, I was 14 and we had been in the car for 2 hours already driving him home after a long day. It was pitch black outside, like a power outage in the city. I was laying on the his shoulder trying to stay out of dreamland but failing. We were almost to his house where I would have to tell him goodnight and not see him until tomorrow. He leaned over and kissed my head, it was sweet and simple but meant the world to me. We past this old barn that was falling apart and I felt him lean over to whisper something. He held me like a child holds their stuff animal not wanting to let me go in fear he would lose me. “I love you.” The world stopped, the hum of the tires hitting the road became quiet, the song on the radio went quiet and my sister’s snoring stopped.  I grabbed his hand in mine as a happiness came over my body. One that I can’t describe. I looked up at him, something I had done for years already, and whispered the most important thing I have said. “I love you too.”


He was that sad boy behind those blue-green eyes so long ago but now he is the love of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am now if I hadn’t of meet that sad little boy and grew with him.  It’s almost been 2 years since we became a partnership but before that we were best friends for 3. I wouldn’t trade anything for our time together. I still fight that sad little boy, trying to fix him, trying to hold him but he has changed over the years. He is strong enough for the both of us now. He may not believe in soul mates but I think I have found mine.






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