Depressing thoughts and darkness cloud your mind and follow you like a cat chases a ball of yarn. It seems as though there is no escape from the misery. These are the exact emotions that I felt when I found out that my pastor had died of cancer. She had battled cancer for years, and it came back stronger than ever and killed her. After she died, denial hit me, and it hit me hard. My mind refused to accept the fact that someone that I’d cherished was gone forever. It was hard to believe that I’ll never see her smile again or hug her tightly like before. She was snatched away from us too soon, by a perilous hand called death. It's hard to imagine that you can lose someone dear to you in a blink of an eye. Losing a loved one makes you feel like a piece of you has been ripped away. Nothing can fill the void, or replace that person.
Grief is a long process. It affects you emotionally, mentally and physically. I spent many nights alone crying in my room. I remember feeling like my heart was about to burst. There are no words to describe the pain I felt in this dark period of my life. I couldn't control the waterfall of tears. Losing someone you love throws your emotional balance off. Grief can take a toll on your mind and changes the way you see things. I felt like I couldn't open up to anyone because I would come off as weak or dramatic. I started bottling up my emotions because at the time it seemed like the only solution. Bottling up your emotions has the same effect as shaking up a soda can; they're bound to explode. And there’s no stopping what may come out, once that can explodes.
There is always a light at the end of every tunnel and dark place. The tears started flowing less and less, till there were no more. The amount of pain that I felt drastically decreased. I started to believe that there was hope in this hopeless situation. I was slowly starting to see the silver lining. I began to open up to people who wanted nothing more than to see me smile again. This period of grief had turned me into an emotional wreck. I pushed everyone away because I felt like I could make things better on my own. I didn't realize that God, time, and friends were the only things that were going to heal me. God's love and his word were one of the many things that helped me through. He was always there, even when I couldn't feel or see him. At first, I couldn't understand why he would put me through this heartache. I didn't realize that everything I was going through would bring me closer to him and strengthen me. It was later that I realized that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't see it at first. God will never give you more than you can handle. Everything we go through in life is put there so that we can become stronger individuals.
Nothing on Earth can prepare you for the pain you feel after losing a loved one. Losing someone you care about is hard and painful, but losing hope is way worse. One of the most important lessons you'll learn from grief is that things do get better. The pain slowly goes away. It is important to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal.