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Pain Turned Numb
High school heartbreak. Pain, no, numbness. I had not felt that kind of pain from someone before, but I also had not felt nothing after something that hurt so badly. Pain, but also nothing. That is what I have felt over the course of 6 months, since it, or rather he, all happened.
September 6, 2016. The first day of school. I get to the math and science center, and go to my first hour, biology. I sit by my usual friends, and then I see him. He was very attractive, and went to the school most of my friends, and my best friend, went to. I asked a couple people about him and eventually got sat at a table by him for a while.
Flash forward to October, he chose this girl from his school over me. I decided I didn’t like her (although now we are pretty good friends). It was awkward in class together, I kept my head low and tried not to pay attention to him.
November. The girl ended things with him, then a couple days later he texted me. That should have been my first gigantic red flag, but no. Part of me wishes I would have never let myself be his second choice, because I am worth way more than that. Part of me wishes I would have just stopped thinking about him after he chose her, but no. Him and I started talking, hanging out, we sat next to each other in classes still. Flash forward to December; bowling, technically our first date. We were with other people because his mom was not a fan of him dating. He kissed me on the cheek before I left.
January, 2017. I had asked him to the winter carnival dance at my school where I introduced him to my school friends, and had the best time. My first kiss, towards the end of the dance, was with him. It was the first kiss any girl wishes to have. I am not sure if I am glad it was with him. He had not asked me to be his girlfriend yet, but I wanted to go with how things were supposed to go.
February 18th, 2017. His school’s winter formal dance. I knew pretty much everyone there, as they had been my friends since freshman year. My best friend and her boyfriend arrived later into the dance, but he and I got there right on time after dinner. Some of the seniors that knew both of us had asked me if he had asked me to be his girlfriend yet. He wasn’t around, so I said no instead of making them ask him. Later that night during a slow dance, he said he had a question. My heart fluttered, then he asked me what perfume I wore. I laughed off the disappointment and kept dancing. “I actually have another question.,” he said as I leaned back to look at him, “would you do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”. The moment seemed surreal, but expected. I said yes, of course.
We continued to dance, and after the slow song he went off to talk to his friends, telling them about what happened. I immediately rushed to my best friend and told her. She was ecstatic for me. We continued to dance the night away, having a great time, and staying late after the dance not wanting to leave.
April, spring break. He was going to Mexico to visit family for the week, then going on a mission trip the week after, so he had to miss school. I missed him. He missed me. I could not contact him while he was on the mission trip so I made the first week worth it. He came back to school on a Monday, I was so excited. 2 weeks was too long not seeing him, let alone not talking to him for that last week. That is when things turned downhill. We sat next to each other in chemistry, but not in biology anymore. He didn’t really speak to me when I saw him, but I brushed it off because he had a lot of work to catch up on from when he was gone.
It was Friday of that same week, and he finally didn’t stay after school. I walked out with him to go back to our home schools, went to hug him, but he patted me on the back. He had still not really talked to me since he came back from his trip. That was where I knew. I walked onto the bus with my friends, who knew about the situation, and cried. I didn’t understand why he was acting like this and I didn’t want things to end.
That weekend I called him, talked to him, and he said he didn’t know what was going on in his mind. Instead of breaking up with me right then I sort of persuaded him to just take a break while he was in Florida that weekend. A break. Everyone knows what a break means, even I did. I wish I wouldn’t have allowed myself to prolong it. I wish I would have ended things before he broke my heart and continued to play with the battered strings. Tuesday of the next week he came back and wouldn’t talk to me. I knew it was over. Finally on that friday after school he caught up to me and said that it was over, like I didn’t know. The reason? “I didn’t like you as much as I thought I did”’. Word for word. I can’t even count how many times I have repeated that one sentence in my head. I didn’t understand at the time how someone could be in a relationship with someone else for technically 6 months, and lose feelings for them in a week. I didn’t understand why he refused to say anything more, and act like nothing had happened at school days after that.
The last day of school he wore one of the shirts I got him for his birthday when we were dating. I was hurt and angry. He eventually found that out and called me later in the day saying he wanted to ‘answer my questions’ because I still didn’t understand how one could lose feelings so fast. I lied, told him I was busy, and would text him later. That was the first time I’d spoken to him since the breakup. I texted, he never responded, I said my piece, still no response. That was probably the first stepping stone I took to get over him; saying what I had to say without fear of the consequences.
That was June. The next time I heard from him was in August. He was on a trip to New Mexico with my friend, and told my friend to tell me that he wanted to talk to me. I refused, because last time he wanted to talk to me he cowardly never responded. That’s exactly what I said to him. A week or so later their trip had ended, they were on the train back to Michigan. I was talking to my friend and all of a sudden got a call. It was 11:00 at night and he was calling me, out of nowhere, again. I didn’t answer, texted him, and lied saying I couldn’t talk on the phone. He kept calling because he hadn’t gotten my text, so he left me a voicemail. He said he wanted to explain himself to me after all of this time because I deserved to know what went on in his head through our relationship.
That night we talked on the phone for 3 hours. I cried as he told me about when he really liked me so much he told everyone about it. I cried when he said even though he liked me a lot there was something that didn’t settle right with him since the beginning. He explained to me that he didn’t talk to me after he got back from that trip and after he broke up with me because of past relationships. Saying that with every past relationship of his they broke up and never spoke again because they moved or he moved away. I didn’t hold back that time, I wasn’t going to let this conversation end without me getting every point I could think of across to him. I could tell he genuinely felt bad. He finally understood what he had done to hurt me so bad, and I finally got the explanation I deserved, after 5 months.
That was August. Since then it has been easier to not think about him, easier to try and move on. The first time I saw him at school my heart sunk, but I could tell he knew I wasn’t happy to see him. He wants to be friends, and I told him the probability of that happening were very slim, but he understood. I haven’t spoken to him since then. When I see him I don’t feel sad, sometimes I feel angry, other times I just don’t want to be around him. I heard he tried to move on; he asked a girl from his school to homecoming, but she said no. That made me feel something I hadn’t really felt before. It wasn’t sadness, or anger. I felt numb but knew I also had the chance to move on.
I am not sure if I loved him or not. I ask myself that question a lot. I would like to say I didn’t but I can’t completely convince myself. Love is a big word and one that I would regret using on a person who had no intention of feeling the same towards me. Love is a big word that shouldn’t be wasted on people who aren’t sure about your relationship and don’t tell you. Although, you can never choose who you love, so I guess we will never know. The pain has subsided, although the numbness sometimes comes around every so often. No pain anymore, just numb.