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One thing that you never know about being in love at a young age is how quick things can change. It’s one thing that you learn the hard way. It’s never easy to learn from getting your heart broken; the first heartbreak is always the most difficult. Nobody’s there to help you build yourself back up after being treated like you’re nothing.
I met my first love in middle school. He was the new kid, so he drew everyone’s attention. From the moment I first saw him, I knew there was something special about him. We became friends, and I grew more fond of him day by day. I didn’t know what was so different about him, but I had a feeling that this boy would change my life, and that he did.
Halfway through the 6th grade, he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy, he was everything I had ever wanted. We dated on and off all throughout middle school. At the time, I didn’t know what the feeling was that I felt for him. Every time I looked at him, talked about him, or thought about him, my heart skipped a beat and I would get so giddy. All I knew was that I wanted to be with this guy forever.
All throughout middle school, he was the only guy that I wanted. My love for him was so strong, he made me feel alive in my times of darkness. He always gave me a reason to be happy, he was my happiness. He was the person who I always turned to, he was the person who was always looking out for me. We had something that nobody could break, or so I thought.
By the time middle school came to an end, we were still so crazy about each other. I thought he was my forever, we had already made it 3 years. Then, one summer weekend came, where everything changed. My forever became my undoing. My happily ever after became something out of a nightmare. The love of my life, cheated on me, and threw away 3 years of my love, in the blink of an eye.
It was a perfect summer’s day. It was sunny and there was not a cloud in the sky. I was at home laying in bed, trying to squeeze in another Netflix marathon before the summer came to an end in a few weeks. I heard the ding of my phone, I looked at it, and what I saw, I would have never expected. A girl I did not know texted me from my sister’s phone, giving me the news that destroyed my heart, my boyfriend had cheated on me.
At that moment, my life spun out of control. My mind was all over the place, I was unable to control my emotions, and I didn’t know what to do. Nothing before this led me to the belief that he would be capable of doing something like this. I would have never thought he would break my heart. I wasn’t prepared for this, he was my first love, and I wasn’t ready for it to be over. So, I did a very stupid thing, I forgave him.
I was so in love with him that my judgment was clouded, and I forgave him. I forgave him for breaking my heart, and he didn’t waste another second to do it all over again. He cheated on me again the next night, and it was with my sister. I never expected that from her, and I felt so stupid for forgiving him as well. I felt so stupid for giving him another chance and for doubting my self worth. He not only broke my heart once, but he shattered it and then burned it, so there was nothing left.
Forgiveness used to come easy to me. I forgave him for shattering my heart not once but twice. I forgave him for lying to me and cheating on me. I forgave him for telling me that it was all my fault. I forgave him because I was scared to be alone. I was going through so much at the time already, and I wasn’t ready to give him up, he was my happiness. I wasn’t ready to give him up, but I didn’t realize he was already gone.
It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, forgiving my sister. Even being able to look at her and not cry and get so mad that I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. Our relationship had suffered majorly that night, things are even a little rocky between us to this day. I did forgive her a few weeks after that night, but it still makes me sick when I think back to the dreadful weekend. I never imagined that I would have to look out for my own blood and make sure that I wasn’t stabbed in the back. She had hurt me in a way that changes you and changes your outlook on life.
Something clicked in me that second night. As I just laid in my bed thinking about what I could have done in order to prevent this, I realized that I shouldn’t allow myself to be treated this way. All my life I’ve dealt with the feeling of not being wanted, and I thought this guy was the one who made me feel different. He did make me feel different, but it wasn’t until that night that I realized he was the one that was bringing me down. I was always so scared of being accepted, that I wasn’t being myself. So, I gave him up; I had to give him up so I could finally be free.
It took me over a year to even be able to allow myself to trust a guy enough to let him into my life. I was so scarred from my past experiences that I doubted if I was even worth it to any guy. I thought I was incapable of loving, all because of one guy making me feel like I wasn’t worth it. All because of one guy, my whole world was centered around me thinking “am I good enough?” No girl should ever feel that way about herself. I wish I would have known that. I wish I would have known that I was worth it, that I am worth it, and I just needed the right person to show me that.