First Day of School, Senior Year

August 23, 2017
By , Draper, UT

I hate the word almost. It’s something I heard a lot today. “Almost out of school!” “Almost to the end!” “Almost there!” “Almost missed it”. And I hate that I go through the day feeling every single little painful reminder of you. Especially today. Today was worse than other days. I usually hear a song or just see a picture that makes your name quickly flash by but otherwise it’s fine. I don’t mind it. It’s bound to happen. It happens with everyone. But today. Today was the worst. I get to school and instinctively without thought I look to see who’s at school today in the M hall parking. Jake’s car, Brianna’s car, Greg's car… No Sampson. No Tom. No Karter. No you. And all I can think is “What did I do wrong?” I go down the Music hall and just hear jazz band and instinctively I look in. But you’re gone. And all I can think is “What did I do wrong?” Looking at the plaque of scholarship winners for the Music department, which is now on Mr. Jensen’s office’s wall. All the names are spelled correctly. All except for a certain “Sean”. I laugh. Then tear up. Same name. Different spelling. And all I can think is “What did I do wrong?” Walked upstairs from the foyer into A hall today with Robert and he had to go to english with Ms. Parker. Out of habit i almost began to reach out because I’m so used to just hitting your tum like the old times and laughing before heading to history. Because it was just something I did and made you happy. But you're not there. So I stop myself. And immediately get dress coded for having too long of a shirt. And all I can think is “What did I do wrong?” Then concert band comes around. And I’m running getting to know you time. And Mr. Jensen walks over to me and tells me “Hey you should learn how to play trombone! I heard you know a guy.” All I can do is smile weakly and tell him I’d rather play tuba or the oboe. Because trombone just reminds me of you and your stupid face and grin when you see me while you’re playing and the stupid red ring around your stupid lips from blowing so much. And all  I can think is “What did I do wrong?” After school is over, I almost start to look up your name on my phone so I could ask for a ride home, cuz I would rather NOT ride the bus home. But you’re not here. And you’ll probably never answer me again. Because who cares about the person you dumped as a friend? And who cares that she’s never felt this lonely in her life ever. Because someone promised her he’d be there no matter what. And that they'd never leave. But look. It’s happened. You’re not here. And I can’t just reach out and ask you to pretend like it’s the old days and sit there with me on the couch. Cuz you’re busy with college and growing up. And I’m stuck in high school. And all I can think is “What did I do wrong?”


I hate that all these things today reminded me of you. And I hate that I feel so lonely just because one person left me. But you were someone of the utmost importance to me and. And you’re gone cuz you’re taking a leaf from a older friend's book and deciding it’s better we’re not friends now, therefore ripping a giant hole in my chest where you once occupied. Because I can’t close my mouth to stop it from saying terrible things when we argue. And I can't open it to spill the words that I know you need me to say when I'm annoyed. And I can’t understand anything you’re going through because I won’t understand fully myself until I go to college. Which is fine. So be it. My college experience is something I plan to be much different from yours. I’m not going to the state university like I always planned. I’m going to go far from here. At least 2 days worth of driving just so I have a legitimate excuse to never see or talk to you again. Because I cared- No I still care for you a whole freaking ton. Enough to just quit when I know you don’t want me around. And to tell you that you deserve to be surrounded by things that make you happy. I am not one of those things. I’m terrible. But I still think I deserve actual answers beyond “I’m trying to leave high school behind.” And I won’t get that answer... I thought I let you go. Especially when I told you I wasn’t into you any more. Which is true. I’m not. But I still miss my friend. And I hate that I’m unable to move on from someone who dumped me like I was yesterday’s stale bread. 

 

I personally hate the word almost. Because all it does is remind me of you.

 

And it almost makes me want to cry.






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