Left Seek

May 12, 2017
By , Springfield, MO

You know the feeling where you wouldn't put the gun to your head but if someone else were to you wouldn't stop them from pulling the trigger? Lying in the road looking at the stars hoping these were your last seconds. Or closing your eyes behind the wheel right when you have to turn. Putting the cigarette down because you are too numb to move your arm so much. Not calling anyone because the one person you want to talk to is too busy to listen. Letting all the words that people say in your head while it's eat up your body. Showing you’re happy but also sad only if they care enough to ask. Walking in like a zombie and he just stares at the TV letting you walk on by. Getting calls from your mother who reads parenting books because she has no parenting skills.

I shall never leave. The heartbreaking, throat choking part is if he were to cheat I would act like it won't happen again and try and “build” from it. Let him lie right to my face telling my brain he is telling the truth. Pressing the left seek button to hear the same song play for hours on end building the courage to say what the heck is happening. “I take it back I never meant it” those words stuck in my head from Kings of Leon. “Things are always better when we're all together.” It's so true I get sick of it. Getting sick almost every day from the words of others about what the love of my life is doing. His loud voice stuck in my head but the one sentence that will never leave my head wasn't yelling. He was so soft spoken when I asked if he really said it just so he could say, “No, that's not what I said.” But he did; he said it, “I can't do this anymore.” His words in my head me begging for a second chance I already had before I got in the car. I can't get away from him. Even if he screwed my sister he would still be with me. I won't let him leave. But the other crappy part is he will never let me leave. Keeping my on a leash knowing I will stay no matter what, playing my brain like his guitar. It sucks when the one you are in love with and is supposed to be in love with you crushes every nerve and feeling you have and takes it for himself. But I love him, so I let him. I let the lies fall off his tongue and land on mine. He is amazing and trouble at the same time. But I can't get enough of it. But he is doing what they did. Putting all the effort in the first part of the relationship and then slowly saying no to touching, no to talking, but yes to sour sweet phone calls. Same stupid questions in my same stupid head. “What the hell do I do? Am I the biggest baby? Do I not fit his standards?” He is slowly drifting away, and I can't even catch a fingertip.

Everyone around tells me all the bad he does because that's all everyone pays attention to. “He makes you cry.” Big whoop. “You give him your car and he is still rude.” So what. “He didn't give you a Christmas present?” So stay out of my relationship. “You can do better.” Haven't heard that one before. “He is different around all his friends.” What guy isn’t? “He makes you physically sick.” I have a weak stomach. “This is not a healthy relationship.” Okay so sue me.

All these people see the wrongs and never the rights. He tells me what is up when I'm wrong. He talks to me about the Bible when I'm down. He always tells me how much he loves me. He goes on hikes with me and takes me in his four wheeler. He helps me give my dog a bath. He makes me laugh so hard I almost pee. He tells me things I will never forget. He loves me the way I should be loved.

Not everyone is perfect. People make mistakes, and that's just life. But I love him, and I can't let that get to me because he cooks me dinner every night and rubs my back when it hurts and sets me straight. He is the love of my life, and sometimes my gut is stupid. I'm just so scared of the same back stabbing feeling that I let it control me. So I need to get a grip on reality and let crap go. So what if Katie says to her friends at lunch, “I feel so bad for her because Nathan just wants me so bad”? No he doesn't, he tells me how much of a witch you are and how he tells me to blow you off. Or how his friends and mine try and put poison in my head that's also not true. He and I have a bond no one can touch. So everyone needs to put through their head that it's me and him against the world.

Even though it's black and white, sometimes it's still me and him. Even when my moods go up and I am so clingy that I need to be next to him.  Because his whole life he never really saw that never really knew how it felt, but then the times I'm so down I can't help but cry. He yells at me because he saw his dad yelling at his mom when she did, so he thinks that's how to make it stop. Slowly I teach him that's not how things work. But then he will hold me and help me. As my muscles tense up and my body gets so hard he will rub my muscles out. He tells me, “I don't want anyone else but you, you are all I need and love.” I truly believe that, and it feels so wrongly good. I know this story doesn't make sense to some. But it's my emotional brain that thinks this all the time.

I'm going crazy, he tells me, “Don't invite me to your pity party.” His words stab me.I’m scared to cry because he just thinks I want attention. He yells at me for being creeped out by the fact he is snapchatting a college girl, and I can't share how I feel about it because then that makes me wrong. I try to tell him what is bothering me, but I can't tell the truth or he gets so mad he busts. I make him go insane. I make everyone insane, even myself. Every poem I wrote to him still lies in my bag because he tells me he “will read them later.” Why can't I just let this stuff go? Why can't I just live on with him letting myself be happy? But instead I feel like the world is after my chipped heart, the world has to break it in order to move on. Most guys will try to comfort their love and make her feel fuzzy inside. But some of us girls aren't that lucky. Is he looking for a side show, when he and I fight will he go to someone else to feel special? I ask myself everyday, “Is he even happy with me?” Knowing I have turns that go nowhere, knowing sometimes I just want to cry in his arms. Is she just a girl that can get you away? Is she doing what you did to me, pulling me away from the one I thought was going to be my forever?

We ask ourselves, “Do we really know what love is?” I can honestly say now I do. There is a first love you love them so much that if they are not happy you can let them go because there is still room in your heart for someone else. Time and time goes on by, and you still can have that love. Then you hit true love, the love that takes up your whole entire heart. Love so strong you can't let them go because you won't be able to love another because you have already found the whole heart. Then there is love that you are just in love with the idea of this person. You look at them and see only what you want to find.

But with true love, you look at him and fall in love for what he is and what he shows you. You fall in love with his messy hair and his grumpy morning moods and his filthy Xbox obsession. You fall in love with his smile and sound of only his laughter. How his nose makes that squeaky sound and his little grunts every now and then. The way he loves his nasty cheese dinners and grape juice. How he slicks back his hair and puts on his favorite shirt. I can't live without his singing or his yelling. How he holds me so tight I can't breath. I liked him at first, then started to love and then fell in love. He is not what I was looking for, but then in the end I wasn't looking for anyone. He made it impossible to ignore him, and that's what got me hooked. He has my whole heart he is someone I can't live without.

But the trick is I don't tell him how I really feel. I don't tell him what's happening in my head. Like how I feel he really doesn't give a thing about what I do, where I go, who I'm even with. He will take it and leave it where he picked it up. I'll tell him things and about how I feel and he makes me feel like a drama queen. He tells me, “Oh just show everyone I'm the bad guy and I do every thing wrong.” Then I feel in the wrong. He slams the door and walks away, not caring if I just leave or not. He doesn't care. Maybe it is all just in my head. Those words stick like glue on my brain. But then when I care about what he is doing, I'm in the wrong to ask him even the simplest question, “Where are you at?” That's the question that starts it all, all the feelings I can't handle.

Have you ever seen a car head lights in the dark and then they just disappear? After fighting about things that don’t matter. Thinking you caught him cheating, but then he calls you crazy. Am I crazy? I see these headlights all the time from far away, and then they just leave. I see them from a straight line ahead, and then they are gone. He makes me feel like everything I do I suddenly become insane. Seeing words that are not there lying in his hand. The names I am hearing are not real. He tells me time after time, “You are the one I love, they don’t mean anything to me. I only love you.” Hearing his voice then suddenly all the other voices that have said those exact words.

I hope he won’t turn into those headlights, the ones that blind me and make me not see what way I should drive, the head lights that suddenly disappear in the blink of an eye, leaving me in the cold dark field, looking at the stars, hoping these are my last seconds.

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