Ron Swanson: America's Hero

May 18, 2017

The man. The myth. The legend and king of all things meaty, it’s Ronald Ulysses Swanson. He has been my idol from the moment I flipped on the beautiful show named Parks and Rec about three years ago. His comically large mustache and resting b**** face is what got me interested, but what I was most intrigued with about this man is that you know for a fact that he does not care about you, your family or any of your problems. And coming from a person who cares a little too much about what people think, I can only hope to reach his level of soullessness one day, and honestly so can the rest of us. Which is why we need to save America now from its shambles and send him to DC to become our nation's hero and leader, Swanson style.


An avocado is what comes to mind when I think of the personality of Ron Swanson, and not just because I’m hungry. He is, soft and kind of round (heavier) on the outside and once you get through that outside, you reach a hardened, unbreakable pit which is his heart. Nothing can phase Me. Swanson for he sees straight through any lies and trusts no one, not even skim milk.


For “skim milk is just water pretending to be milk.” -Ron Swanson


His extreme detective skills, especially when it comes to dairy, is just why we need allow him to take the reins of America. With all the cyberhacks most days, we need more security and living lie detectors like Swanson to take them down. Also most of us are so gullible to any information the world puts out there for us to devour that we need someone to stand up and call the world out on it’s skim milk and tell us the WHOLE truth (I thought of whole milk there lol). Making us a more educated and functional society, able to make well informed decisions that will benefit all of us both economically and socially with other countries. This boils down to great trade deals with China and probably enough money to get pizza to wrap around the world at least twice. And if pizza isn’t enough of a reason for you, keep reading.


This avocado of a man is also basically an old spice commercial if an old spice commercial was human. Whenever I think of Ron, I instantly try to think of the manliest thing possible and in my mind, that is apparently a glorified old man’s body spray. I honestly feel like he eats pure testosterone for breakfast, probably in the form of a meat platter from JJ’s diner because that’s just the kind of man he is. Which is definitely a quality I look for in a leader and you should too, because Ron wouldn’t just eat a meat platter for breakfast, he would eat all our enemies too. The color pink and the thought of government in general, is enough to send a cold shiver down his spine. Which means he would want to work for the people and with the people because he doesn’t like to be ruled and is honestly too lazy to really rule others. That means you could probably steal some totino’s pizza from aisle six at walmart and you wouldn’t be put on death row. What a great man. Name a person with better morals and I’ll give you my pet rock. (Take your time, Rocky isn’t going anywhere). And keep in mind he can also whittle canoes so  under his rule we will all transport ourselves through a town wide series of connected waterways in this new technology called “Swan mobiles” made possible by the man himself. This gets rid of cars as well as our issue with climate change and pollution that other politicians don’t seem to have the answer to. Well Ron Swanson does, and he will continue to bring about change in new and innovative ways that other leaders can not.
Now I don’t want you thinking that Ron Swanson is all hardened and soulness because he also has a soft and sensitive side that he doesn’t often show but will use it while ruling over the great people of Americana. To show you this side of him, I have a quote from this glorious man.


“I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed,” Said Swanson at the funeral for his beloved horse friend, Li’l Sebastian.


Swanson admitting to getting emotional over his animal friend shows that he has compassion not only for animals but for people as well. You can tell a person’s true character by how they treat and care animals, and Ron Swanson loved that horse with all his heart. So he too, beneath the many layers of snarky comments and sarcasm, will love America with all his heart.


So are you ready to take on the human embodiment of bacon for your leader?! Because ready or not! He’s ready to sizzle up the white hizzle!






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