Anxiety.

Do you know what that is? Just in case you don’t, anxiety is a disorder caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. Anxiety is a broad term and has many subcategories such as social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, paranoia, and many others. I have a few anxiety disorders, but I have not always known that.

When I was younger, my mother told me I had to take a test. I never knew what the test was for, all I knew was I had to succeed. I had test anxiety even though I never knew about anxiety. I probably would not be able to comprehend such a complex thing the age of seven.

We walk into this room. It had dimmed lighting with walls painted by warm, brown tones. There was this chair of stuffed animals. Many stuffed animals. Then there was a man who said greeted me. I don’t recall greeting him back for I was too astounded by the number of animals.

He told me I had to start taking the test, but I couldn’t.

I was too anxious. I wouldn’t have been able to put a pencil to paper.

I stayed by the animals, holding one who stuck out to me. Probably because it looked like the dog I have.
He said I had to take the test, but he said I could bring the stuffed animal with me.

I had no idea at the time, but bringing this stuffed animal with me was a very important turning point in my life.
I walked over to where I was supposed to be taking the test. Most of it was oral, just the test administrator asking me questions a correct and/or logical answer. Whenever I was lost or confused, I would just squeeze the stuffed animal to calm me down. When the test went from oral to written, I squeezed the stuffed animal the whole time. Even then, as a child who didn’t know what anxiety was, I still managed to find a way to bring myself to serenity.

When the test ended, I had to put the stuffed animal back and I was very disappointed. Assuming the test administrator saw my expression, he let me keep it. I was elated.

The stuffed animal was a dachshund, professionally known as ‘wiener dog’, with a tear by the eye with visible stuffing falling out. I named the dog what any reasonable person would, Chloe.

Anyone who knew me then would know how much I loved dogs. When my cousins’ dog died, I cried more than I did for any human family member I remember passing. I loved dogs, and they seemed to have loved me too. That being said, Chloe became one of my best friends.

A few months later after taking the test, I get my results. Keep in mind, I still had no idea what the test was about. To me it seemed like random questions about patterns and numbers and logic and literature, but apparently, it was much more than that. I remember this happening after the year of first grade when I wanted to do the dishes. I asked my grandmother when could I do the dishes, and she told me fourth grade. Not long after, my mom comes into the room talking about the test results and asking me if I wanted to go to fourth grade in the fall. No second nor third grade. It was shocking to me considering I had no idea this was a possibility. All I remember was going to my grandmother and saying, “Guess who can do the dishes now?”.

In case you have not grasped onto the idea, Chloe is what helped me skip these two grades. She helped calm me down enough to succeed in that moment. Though I have Chloe to thank for what I have achieved, I also have Chloe to blame for all the hardships I’ve been through.

Chloe has caused everyone not wanting to talk to me because I was much younger than them. Chloe has caused the constant bullying I had faced on a daily basis. People seeing me sit down and then suddenly deciding that they did not want to sit there as well.

She contributed to my anxiety getting significantly more unbearable. Unbearable enough  that I could not walk through the hallways without thinking everyone was staring at me and talking about me and only me.

Unbearable enough that I had never wanted to leave my room. Never talking to people.

Though she caused all of that, she helped me more than she hurt me. If I had not have met Chloe that day, I would certainly not have met the friends who have helped me get through all of that. Friends such as Emily, Morgan, Srija, Nick, Jacob, Isa, Katy, and many others.

Without Chloe, I would have been a completely different person. I would not know who I know now, my demeanor might have been completely different, and I would have had to wait a lot longer to do the dishes.