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All I Want To Know Is Why?

By , Morristown, NJ

 “Hey, Mom love you,” I say as my mom listens.

“Love you too, wanna talk to Grandma?” she says thinking as if I know.
“Hey, Grandma?” I say as I’m waiting for a reply.


As I’m waiting for a reply, seems as If I know what has happen but I think to myself , is she gone ? At that moment it feels as if a large rock has just landed on my chest. 


“Grandma,” I say
“Mom, why isn’t Grandma answering,”  I scream through the phone wanting for a answer.


* Phone GET passed to my aunt as I’m getting frustrated *
“Ari, Grandma passed away,” my mom says in vain.


At that moment everything just shut down , I never knew this time would have came so soon feels as If I have been punched in my chest. I get off my bed , I’m crying and screaming. From that moment on everything has changed. Everything was different the day I thought was going good, turned out to be the worst day of my life. My dad gets off my bed and comes and hugs me and asks me if I wanna go to the hospital so I said yes.
 

As I crept into the hospital room tears were streaming down my face as if it was a waterfall. The only reason I creeped myself in the room because I was scared to break down  and see my Grandma like that so I slowly entered the room. As I started to see her I broke down and left out the room and thought why is this happening to me. Only things I could think of that whole week was that she “better” in heaven, she doesn’t have to go through all the pain she was going through.


Things I miss doing with my grandma are cooking with her, talking on the phone with her and etc. One memory that I have with my grandma is when I used to live with her. She used to get me dressed every morning for kindergarten as I watched caillou. I lived with her for little part of my life and it was very fun we used to watch tv together and play board games together. There was no stronger bond than the one me and my grandmother had.
If I think about it the first thing she taught me was how to make boiled eggs and now i'm a beast at making deviled eggs. I was young when she taught me how to make deviled eggs.So ever since then and we have a cookout, I would make the deviled eggs.


This memory is the one that gets to me the most. I miss talking to her on the phone the most because i used to talk to her all day everyday. It didn’t matter where I was or what time it was because she would give me advice and stuff. It's hard to explain what we talk about because it was mostly personal.       


I didn’t like the fact that everyone was there at my house that Thursday we got from the hospital and there was already people at our house. The only reason it made me upset is because the times that I need to rest and try to get my head off things, I couldn’t because everyone is at my house. Mostly everyone that came to the house brought food so I am thankful for that because I was starving but besides that as people came you can tell that she was loved very much and that she was a great woman by the way everyone came and brought stuff and helped out. I couldn’t of asked for a better grandmother.       

  
Days go on and it’s time to go view the body which seems scary but it’s not. To me it was just even harder than leaving the hospital because this was the last time I would be physically seeing my grandmother. When we walked in to see the body I broke down really bad but I think it was for the best so I could be stronger at the times everyone else is grieving. I felt as if I was leaving her but that was only because I had told her that we was in this together when she was in the hospital and I wasn’t there for her at the hospital when she needed me which hurt. Then I realised that we will always be together no matter what.


Ever since I went to the funeral home to view the body like the day after I keep replaying leaving her and I kept replaying her on that table it just hurt so much to see a caring , loving , friendly and peaceful person gone so soon.                    


The funeral was a lovely home going service. My family we all had our ups and downs planning it but it was beautiful just like my grandma. The room was lit just like her smile. It was as if she was there physically because her smile was priceless. She would always put everyone before her, family or not. That’s another reason I loved her so much. She was so caring she was all was there when we needed her and we was always there when she needed us. As my grandma got older we got closer because she started asking me to get her pills and fix her meals which I think matured me. I was taught by the best, my Grandma. There's nobody like her.


RIP GRANDMA DEBBIE




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