First Writing

August 27, 2016
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Fear it is not so much an emotion as a state of mind. My thoughts were my fears. My thoughts were also company in times of loneliness. They could be comforting but also tear a person to shreds. But what my thoughts did for me depended on how I was feeling. But back to fear, fear can be the reason people do so much. But it can also be the reason others do so little. Fear feeds off of humans, it chews them up and spits them out kind of like life. This is my journey inside of myself to find my worst fears and then how I wrote about it.


My thoughts, our thoughts, the worlds thoughts; we all keep them inside our heads. Some of us,the human race, might say we are open books. That you can ask us anything and we will answer honestly and say it all. But this is not the truth. We all have our secrets,our thoughts are our secrets. If we just said everything that came to mind we would get ourselves in quite a lot of trouble. Don't You think we as humans get ourselves into enough trouble?


Never the less I wanted to put my thoughts on to paper. Even though the world could invade and judge them. I ignored this thought though. I wanted to put my thoughts on to paper for the reason that I wanted to be my thoughts not spoken but still heard louder than any human voice.


My thoughts, they bounced around in my head as I'm sure that yours do too. I just had to pick one of those thoughts to write about. In my life I may have had millions of thoughts. Maybe even more than that. The most recent thought I had, had but was still intriguing was fear. My worst fears. Fear is a road block in life and can hardly be considered an emotion. Fear is more of a state of mind. Fear is simply a word for something we dislike enough to shy away from. Fear it is something simply constructed by our minds. It is quite literally all in our heads. Writing even one page on this topic scared and confused me. To write this, although it was at my own leisure, I would have to open doors that had never been opened. Doors that many adults wouldn't dare to open.


So I thought"What scared me the most? Or rather what did I care about most?" That was an easy question for me to answer. My five little cousins and my little brother. I was about five years older than my brother and two of my cousins. As for my other three cousins I was 13 years older than two of the three and fourteen years older than the third. They all had been my responsibility at one point or another. It was almost always my responsibility to help them even when I was small, especially the youngest of my cousins. I was also afraid of losing who I am. Losing what makes me, my values, my feelings on certain topics, and although the universe won't give it to me what I want this world to be. Losing these things would crush me. That was when it hit me my worst fear was loss.

That evening I decided to put my thoughts on to paper. My words wee the scribbles that we recognize as letters. The golden pen racing across the page. It's ink being transformed into words faster than I could process. It was almost as if my hand were   Moving on its own accord, with no direction  from me.  It were as if my heart and soul had been turned to ink and was now being poured out on the page. The letters that left the pen became words, then sentences, then a paragraph, and then it was a page. An entire page on my worst fear, loss. 


My thoughts were now ink on paper. The words silent but screaming. My fears were now out of my mind so everyone could read them. I would not let my fears stop me in my tracks as they did for so many people. The adventure to go far into my own mind to drag out my fears. I realized on this journey that my fears were based off of my loves and loosing them. Still I do not understand why I transmitted this all on to paper all I know is I'm glad I did. 

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