A Face and a Name

January 20, 2009
By
“You seem jovial, what’s there to be happy about?”
“What’s there to be upset about?”
“Touché.”
“En Garde.”
“There’s no way that you can be cheery all the time.”
“What else is there to do? Be upset about something in the past?”
“There’s no way nothing bugs you.”
“That’s what you think.”
“That’s what I know, you seem too upbeat, it doesn’t feel natural. It’s kinda eerie really.”
“Loathing puts an air of gloom over the whole area, I don’t like it, so I don’t partake.”
“It’s too bad if you don’t like it, it happens and it doesn’t leave. It’s there and you, like everyone else, have to deal with it.”
“Oh, I know it’s there. I just don’t deal with it.”
“So you turn a blind eye to the emotions that you don’t like.”
“No, I recognize it. I just don’t utilize it, those emotions are no fun.”
The laws of math and science are truly wonderful things, the transitive property powers my thought process through logic and the law of conservation of matter holds true outside of the lab. Emotions are never created or destroyed, there are reactants that are combined to yield a product.
“Life isn’t always fun.”
“It should be.”
“That is a completely immature way of thinking, what about responsibilities.”

“You can have responsibilities, but if you don’t have fun and enjoy life…then why have the privilege”
One of the more powerful and lingering feelings produced by those equations is loathing. In my case loathing is more frequently pointed inward than outward. It just saunters in at the worst possible time, but it had sat in the corner for quite a bit waiting for the perfect time to be noticed. Long after the initial cause has transpired. It could have originated from not getting a response when you speak, not being sure if the person heard you; you repeat what you said. They usually heard you the first time.
“What?”
“I see little to no point in life if you can’t enjoy it.”
“But you need the low points to contrast the high points.”
“You’d think so, but then you’d be wrong. You don’t need contrast to feel good, that’s a ridiculous concept.”
Combating the pain invoked from being ignored is difficult at best, but I’ve found the best method is to just buck up and keep trying. Smile, be nice, and pretend to be happy. Ignoring the pain helps; that is one thing that consistently comes from people. Nobody wants it, but they’re more than glad to give it out usually. They just love dishing it out to people who are different, for whatever reason. I only know of it because I was younger. No worries though, the pain shaped me.
“I believe that, so am I then ridiculous?”
“It’s a ridiculous concept, just because you believe in it does not make you ridiculous.”
“But transitively, since you think it’s ridiculous, and I believe it’s true, then you think I’m ridiculous.”
The American social society is based on talking, and expecting to have somebody listen. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough people who will take in and absorb all the b****ing that everybody has to do. I like to think of myself as one of those sponges, I’ve sat and helped plenty of people without saying a word. It takes little effort to help somebody, if you are willing.
“You’re taking this far too personally, I didn’t insult you.”
“Clearly you did. Something I believe in is ridiculous.”
“Yes. To me it is, but if you would just listen to what I’m saying.”
“So now I’m not listening?”
“You aren’t anymore.”
“Well, thank you for insulting me yet again.”
“Y’know, it’s things like this that has destroyed friendships among other things…I wouldn’t go back and change the events, keep moving forward. Only with a slight twinge in my neck.”
“I can’t believe you at all, you’re a terrible person. A jerk, and a jacka**.”
“I wish it would stop happening.”
“A**hole.”
“I mean, there is a desire to go back and change the events so that some of my smiles wouldn't be fakes. If I did that though, who knows where I’d be.”

One of the things I’ve observed within myself, and other people, is that at the very core of thoughts, actions, and emotions, there is unease and fear. So is fear a help to humans or a hindrance?
“Are you even listening to me?!”
“Still, I have to wear a fake smile sometimes just so people won’t bother me and they won’t be worried.”
“Hello!”
“Though, I think sometimes that the fake smile is a façade for my sake. So I don’t feel like a freak and feel like I can fit in. As for the insults, I’ve been at both ends. More often than not the more painful end, but they’ll never know how much it hurts. ”
“What the hell is wrong with you? You just insulted me, and now you’re being immature and ignoring me.”
“My face is a mask. To fool the world, so nobody will worry. So that I can convince me, that I’m alright. And I’ll wear it…until somebody sees it, and they pry the sweaty mask off of my face. Then I can venture forth into the most frightening parts of myself with them. Someone who won’t tell a soul what they see, but they truly know me. Until then, I’ll remain static. Just being a face and a name, even to myself.”





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