I feel the rain against my car windshield as if it was personally assaulting my bones. Abusing my structure and weathering me down until the erosion was complete. I take a deep breath and open my car door- keys and headphones in hand- and stepped into the downfall. The rain did, true to my evaluation, seep through my light sweater before coating my skin with a chill, wet barrier. My feet kept a steady pace through the bouncing puddles and the sliding doors which sheltered me from the bleak day, and served as an entry to the mall”s cafeteria.
I continue the path until I find a table, not yet cleared from the garbage and trays, so I pulled  the chair out and sat down. It was perfect.

The house that I am renting, along with another family, can seem too empty at times. The trips to busier locations- like a Saturday at the mall, is the perfect time to absorb the fleeting life that constantly passes by.

I put my headphones in before snuffling the unattached wire into the pocket of my blue jeans. Thus providing the illusion of occupation or a distance between myself and the people wandering by. I take a few deep breaths..

And then begin.
It doesn't take long to become invisible. Think about it, how many people do you really see anyway?
Soon hands clinging to other hands, swing by my ears and feet with pairs of shoes garnished with mix-matched socks step too close to my person. On some level, I confess, I am tempted to break the spell and trip the invader.
But I dont.

I wait.
  I ‘be’.
You see, people are my treasures. All so utterly different and all so full of life.

I watch a child on the jungle gym in the middle of the cafeteria, trip and fall forward. She looks up- unshed tears glittering in her eyes as they search for her mother. Trying to be brave but needing to feel comforted and assured. I see her eyes land on the brunette in a corner table murmuring into her phone, deep in thought. The young girl stands- brushes her knees off and slowly walks, defeated, to her mother where she then lays her head.

I watch a gentleman listening to an attractive woman in front of Starbucks. I wonder if he knows how his eyes crinkle at the corners as he watches, raptured, as the lady animatedly acts out her story.

I see an elderly lady slowly maneuvering her walker through the isles. Her eyes made of steel, As she stubbornly plows through the bypassers while maintaining her pride.

Im feeling the energy of  the room, Listening to the bouncing echos  and seeing color everywhere. Indulged in every energy but my own. I see.
I see mouths move- some happy and some angry.
  I see lying words. Betrayed by honest eyes and uncontrolled facial cues.
   I see vulnerable people. And spines that are jagged with the weight of the world.
I am invisible. Seamless.
And for this I am thankful. Now I spend these moments going from person to person. Soul
to soul. Trespassing while they are still unaware. Seeing what they can’t, what they can't because they are active in the stirring up of the room’s energy. I feel the laughter and I hear the words- the roar. I see the thongs of people. Their secrets in plain sight. I continue to look around the cafeteria. Catching eyes that look through me. Ignoring the matching shoes and disordered socks.

Im feeling the chaos.
  Outside the chaos.
Then I look to my left, where eyes...framed by headphones are looking at me. Seeing me. Stealing my invisibility away- exposed.That chill that coated me before, now makes me shiver. I have been, not only seen,but someone elses subject.

The chaos is muted.
The floor dropped out.
The color is now a privilege that I am not privy to.
I was seen.
  I stand, abruptly,snatch my keys and then merge into oncoming foot traffic.
  Dropping my headphones in the metal garbage can.

   Barrier destroyed.
As I escaped the space that held, for brief minutes, my mind’s sanctuary, I fumed. I raged silently, at the one who took away my invisibility. The one who left me feeling dirty and cheated. My feet seemed to make thundering sounds as I tried to escape down the hallway with the crowd. My slight reflection from the flourecent lights seemed to bark at me, singling me out. I felt eyes on me, like suddenly everyone was appraising me in their passing. The heat on my face brought fire to my eyes. My body became numb, even cold as that flame met the next pair of eyes that looked my way- and nearly froze them. I kept contact until the passing orbs looked away, and then released the tension in my muscles and looked foward as i backtracked to my car.My head was no longer lowered, my form was no longer the faded reflection of who i was walking with. I wasn’t invisible, not at all.

For I thought I was seamless.
And then I was seen.
I thought I was invisible, but turns out that I was only invisible to me.
I had looked to lose myself in people, in stories. I had  ignored my own energy to be the maestro of others.
  Maybe I wasn’t ‘seen’, Maybe... I just ‘was’.

I thought I wanted to be invisible. But I was just aware that I, already, was invisible to myself.