I wonder why I feel so guilty for something that I could never control. I miss the my Papa. I never talk about it and I don’t know why. When I think about him all i feel is guilt and regret. He smelled like coffee and fresh cigarette smoke. He gave me the biggest hugs and the best advice. He never got mad at me and he always was at my side when nobody else was. I miss him, he was like a teddy bear you never want to lose and when you do lose them, you feel like you lost the whole world. My guilt eats me alive though. I remember my parents asking me if I wanted to come and see him and I said no i wanted to hang out with my cousin and swim. Then after that my parents told me how much fun it was and i felt bad. I remember the day when i woke up and my family was crying and he died. He died of a heart attack and I never got to say goodbye. I never got to give him one last hug, never got to give him a kiss and I never got to tell him how much I love him and how much he meant to me. Everyday I wonder how proud he would of been of me and how he could see me grow up. How could my favorite person in the world not see me grow up or not see my in white dress on my wedding day. I wonder if he was here today would he still smell like coffee and smoke? Would he meet my first boyfriend or make jokes about how he would my boyfriend. I will never know and I feel upset that all I remember are the happy memories but I have a hole in my heart and I wish he was here and he could help fill that hole in my heart.