I’ve discovered a way to reduce cheating in high school classrooms. Before a test starts, teachers should say “If you decide to cheat, you’re not only a liar… but you’re just poser.”

Soccer isn’t really a popular sport in my school. It’s the only sport where the other team is so disinterested that they don’t even take the time to aim for my head.

I had to pet sit my friend’s blind dog. It took me three hours after he left to realize that he didn’t leave me any food for him. I remembered reading somewhere that if you smell something different from what you’re eating you’ll taste the scent; so I just taped a chicken bouillon cube to his nose while he ate white rice.

If you microwave another microwave you’ll create a black hole.

I plan on proposing to my future wife with a dirty nickel. If she says yes, then she’s DEFINETLY the one.

I think that capital punishment should be secretly banned in the United States. Every time a death row prisoner is seconds away from lethal injection, they’ll be told that due to a barbiturate shortage, they’ll only serve a life sentence. They’ll leave changed men after having a “near death experience”.