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Sweet Jealousy

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People set goals for themselves—goals that are small, like being determined to win a race, getting an A in a class, or even just taking a shorter shower rather than those long, lazy 30 minute ones. They also set big goals—the goals in life that will and can take everything you’ve got to reach it. Graduating from a good college, becoming a mother, or changing your perspective to a more open mind. These goals are huge. And I am afraid to face all of them. I am so, so afraid that it makes my toes feel numb and my head tingly. I mean, why would I want to make such and so many goals in the first place? Why do I think I can do it when I’m a wimp? The answer is easy: to show others that I can do these things. It’s 25% that I’m making these goals for myself. What I really want to do in life is sit in a warm, soft chair, prop up my feet on a pillow, hold a hot cup of tea in my cold hands, and just sit there. Forever. There’s nothing else I could truly want more than just silence. But you know what? That’s boring as crap.

I want to see the world—the big world. And then I want to go back to my home and drink a cup of tea and knit a pair of socks next to a fireplace. Point in perspective: I’ve got goals. Giant goals. Goals that make me want to scream to the top of my lungs because of the pressure they put on me. To get to the next idea, something happened today that made me want to blow up.

My little sister and I are opposite; completely opposite. She is the extrovert, I am the introvert. She’s not afraid to sing in front of an entire crowd, whereas I am the one in the backstage, wearing black with a microphone hooked into my ear and holding the spotlight so it is directly on her. She’s got confidence that reaches the top of the ceiling, whereas I’ve always had a confidence level of 3 on a scale of 1-10. She is tough and could beat boys up, and I wouldn’t even go for it. I'm a nerd, and she's rather popular. Our physical descriptions are opposite, too: she’s the more filled-out one, and I’m still gangly with a AA bra size. I’m not insecure about my breasts, but compared to my sister, I’ve always felt lesser and small. Her hair is golden-red and stands out in a crowd, and I have supremely dark hair that rather stands in. I’m glad for that though. I don’t want to stand out in a crowd and draw attention to myself.

She’s fast, and I’m slow. I like to stop and sniff the roses, and she just races and races and races to the finish line without taking a breath to stop. My parents think that sometimes I “space out” or “day dream” in certain situations, but really I’m just taking in the moment and absorbing the details of my surroundings because I’m enjoying them. The smell of my surroundings, the texture of the skyscraper and the music that plays in the background. The mumble of human voices in busy restaurants. I'm taking it all in, and I'm a woman of very few words.

Because my sister is an extrovert, she also really wants to be an actress, and that’s awesome for her. She would be a great actress because she is super confident and outgoing and just let’s go. She’s wanted to be an actress ever since she was a little girl and takes this goal of hers seriously. She’s been trying out for auditions lately; the most recent one was for a horror series. Apparently she nailed the audition, and I believe it. And just today, she got a phone call, and…she got the part. First, I exploded with upheaving happiness because the thought of it thrilled me. I mean, my sister? An actress? Amazing! Miraculous! Astounding! Surprising!...Startling!…Shocking…Alarming…Offending…….Dreadful. Oh, stop, be happy for her. Be happy. I started screaming and crying for her. Of course, I was irresistibly happy for her, because she wants this so badly. But after she announced she got the part, a wave of a very negative, sinful feeling washed over me…jealousy. I absolutely hate this feeling. It slaughters everything in its path, leaving behind nothing but dead bodies. Trying to push this thought away was dreadful, for I’ve always sort of been the jealous type. Oh God, stop feeling this feeling! Don’t get into other people’s business, don’t compare yourself to others! I..I…I just failed. It’s hard to accept not feeling envious because now she’ll be excelling more than I am.

In life, confidence, everything. It feels wrong to think this way, completely and utterly wrong. It feels like a giant case of bad karma….but I just need to stop thinking this way. God, I am such a bad person. Well, not a bad person—a good person with uneven emotions.
Though it does matter what my sister and I end up like as adults, because we are so close to each other today and comparing would end up happening anyway. I do have good grades, but I feel like that doesn’t matter. She’ll always be one step ahead of me, whereas I will be one step lower. It feels like pain scorches throughout my body to think such negatively of myself, but it’s so difficult to fight back against these untamed emotions. It's just so hard to not feel afraid.



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