Never Forgotten

January 29, 2013
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I had never been close to death, in anyway. No one that ever meant anything had died. One of the loneliest winters, I’ll probably never forget. He slipped away suddenly it happened faster than I could grasp, after he slipped away it was so incredible. It was so hard to believe, it was too much to process.

I had never felt the way I did that night. My head ached and my brain was pounding inside, from those continuous hours of crying, I wasn’t aware of how much water the human body could retain, until that night. The next day: the crying and mourning went on, with occasional pausing in between. I paused and talked to myself, whispered and whimpered quiet words filled with fragments of hope. I pinched and dug into my flesh in hope that physical pain would overpower the emotional pain. I clawed at my eyes, I shook myself and yelled “wake up, you’re dreaming, please, wake up”, they were hopeless actions not realizing my eyes were open and I had witnessed everything, before me, and it was real.
This wannabe nightmare wasn’t close to being a nightmare at all; it was becoming more real to me. With every breath I desperately gasped for, every tear drop shaking the ground as it landed on the echoes of the hardwood floor, I prayed but deep down I knew, like I always had known, that my faith was not strong enough. Why? It was always why, I told myself that it would be fine, and all I could do now, was thank God for those cherishing moments, but my heart quivered why and my soul whimpered for an answer. My mind kept playing games, and my thoughts were contradicting, all was confusing. Grinding my teeth filled with anger, and slurs under my breath would curse God’s name. I didn’t want to be thankful for what I once had. I begged; I wanted him back. I pleaded anything to have another moment with Tiny and make it right.

Nothing will ever take his place, or heal the wounds. Everywhere I turn he’ll be there. I’d wish myself dead instead of him, but that would only make things worse because I loved and forever will love him, and this pain and mourn I’ll carry, he won’t have to. Life is full of experiences, we’re all born to die, and we’re all born knowingly of it, but when it’s not us, leaving this place is unacceptable.

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