Should I Let Him In?

January 29, 2013
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When you ask the question, what single moment changed your life; it’s hard to come up with one moment because when you think about it, the decisions you make daily cause changes in your life. If I am to choose a moment it would have to be this reoccuring series of moments. Meeting the new guys in my mothers life.

It’s not the guys then that change me, its the feeling of what I should feel about each new guy that changes me. It’s the feeling of should I become interested in him or should I have a closed mind about him. This feeling causes my stomach to twist and turn endlessly. It causes me to stay up at night and no matter how many times I turn to a different side I cannot fall asleep.

Summer. The sun is shining high in the sky and the light breeze is keeping me cool. Playing shadow tag is hard work for a nine year old. Summer is the time to let loose and just go with the flow, no school, no homework and no worries. I look down at my shadow that was half the size I was, covering it so Mom can’t tag me.

“This time it’s different. Can’t you just feel how he is different from the last one?” Mom stops chasing after me and stares at Lake Winnebago’s small waves crashing against shore. I noticed her eyes were a clearer blue as the air blows her blond hair back.
“Of course Mommy. You look so much happier with your new boyfriend Clint.” Playing with the sand beneath my toes, I tucked my blond hair behind my ears.

I form a sweet innocent smile on my face and start curling my piggy tail with my fragile finger. Hearing my favorite song Mom smiled; I got a spongebob squarepants popsicle. Walking home from the park Clint laughs at the smudged yellow ice cream on my nose.
Summer left and so did Clint, and Eric, and Bill, and Ron, and Scott.
Fall. Looking down, I notice crunchy leaves replace the soft sand. The shy breeze turned into wicked winds, and the sun no longer shines as bright.
“Paul’s a really nice guy, and I like being with him. Can’t you tell how he‘s different from the last guy?” She sat on the couch nonstop texting like a teenager as I’m folding the laundry fresh out of the dryer.
“Umm yeah. Your boyfriend seems nice.” No he’s not at all. He’s a total tool and is disgusting. What do you even see in him? I’m 13 folding laundry and you’re like a teeneger in lala land texting him.
Hearing the rumbling motorcycle I immediately look for room spray, knowing the stale smoke smell will soon fill our small kitchen. Barely forcing out hi kids Paul walks straight towards Mom as she becomes all giggly. The blue snake haired stripper on his leg taunts me while he flirts with mom. I rested against the newly folded laundry glaring at his sleeve of tattoos depicting blood, anger and nudity.
Outside the harsh winds slapped me in the face. Inside, seeing Paul only care for Mom slapped me even harder.
He disappeared before the leaves left the trees naked.

Winter. The sun is covered up by the gray colored clouds and white snowflakes replace crispy leaves. A blanket of snow that can look so serene quickly turns into harsh biting gusts of wind.
“He’s such a great guy. Jim makes everything more fun and exciting. Can’t you see how he’s different?” Leaving his house for the first time with us kids, her pale skin has a reflective glow from the street lamp and vibrant white snow.
“Yep, he’s a good guy.” He’s not lasting, it would be too good to be true.
Mom starts up the black trailblazer smiling back at the house. I take one quick glance at Jims house, noticing little twin faces waving wildly in the window. Looking like a perfect hallmark card, Jim’s smiling in the doorway with Cooper wagging his tail besides him.
I wish this will last. HA! It will be a month and he’s gone.

Spring came along and a fresh garden of flowers come up. The smell of spring air arrives, and grass starts breaking through the last thin layer of ice. A new year has finally come.
“I can see us being one big happy family. I really, really like him. Can’t you see how he’s different from the last guys?” While she daydreams, I see a sparkle in her blue eyes.
“Yeah Mom, Jim really is different. I like him a lot.” He's still around. Maybe he is the one. Smiling with joy, my darkened blond hair falls in my face as I turn to say hi to Jim.
Hearing the loud footsteps I prepare for a huge bear hug. Jim pulls me in tight whispering hi Katie in my ear. As he moves towards Mom, his blue eyes stare with awe at her. She giggles as the whiskers on his chin tickle her while he gives her a tender kiss.
“What would you think if Jim came with us to Myrtle Beach over spring break?” She opens the fridge to get the chicken out for supper.
“That sounds great. I would love it if you came with.” A wide grin comes on Jim's face as I spoke those words.
Spring is in like a lion and out like a lamb. In my case it’s in like a lamb and out like a lion. We left for Myrtle Beach without Jim and never saw him again.

Summer. The clouds cover up the sun that should shine. Rain, thunder and lightning keeps everyone from enjoying the 75 degree weather. The seasons have changed, I have changed but Mom on the other hand hasn’t.
“Can’t you tell how he’s different from the last guys?”
I force a smile.

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