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What Would My Life Be Like?

By , Pine Grove, PA
2 years ago my life drastically changed. I lost people whom i was close with, and met people that i never should have met. My outlook on myself has changed, and I wish that I take that back. 2 years ago, I was turned into a different person, and I want that person back.
You see, I was a healthy 12 year old girl, with fire in her eyes, and love in her heart. I enjoyed the outdoors, watching movies, and being with friends, and i LOVED food! I wasn't a very healthy eater at all, and because of that I was a little overweight, but I didn't care, I was happy, and that was all that mattered. I used to have such an open and bubbly personality, that people found very attractive and approachable, but that was all about to change. It was February of 2011, and I was sitting in my seventh grade Health class, that was taught by a young teacher by the name of Mr. Frantz. Mr. Frantz had been my favorite teacher, and I respected him and his opinions greatly. So, the day that he called me fat, I took it to heart, probably more than I should have.

After that day, I began to starve myself, I wanted to be perfect for him, I wanted him to see me as good enough. I started loosing weight rapidly, up to five pounds a week, and before I knew it I was under one hundred pounds. My life began to change dramatically. As I mentioned, I began to lose people who were very close to me, and people started to fear me. In their minds I was a freak, sometimes I was told these things to my face, and that hurt my already damaged mind and heart. All of this was very difficult to undergo, but I didn't care about the level of difficulty, I continued to starve myself, I wasn't going to ever stop.

Then my mother took me to a therapist. She was a heavy set women, with a huge smile and personality, and I really liked her. She talked to me about what I was going through, and she taught me techniques on how to improve my self-esteem, and this helped me too. I began to feel better about myself every day, and my weight began to increase! At first this scared me, so I starved myself for another period of time because I feared the weight I was gaining, but then I got used to it and I began to turn my life around. Before I knew it, I was back to 116 pounds, and everyone who had helped me to get this far was so proud of me! And i was proud of myself for the first time in two years, I felt normal again, finally!

Now it is January 2013, and I am back in another period of degression. I don't eat as much as I should be eating, but I am scared again. The levels of stress in life change how my eating disorder works, on good days I feel great, on stressful days, I feel like starving again, and sometimes... I do. It hurts to always have these twisted thoughts in the back of my mind, but I can't help it, I don't control myself anymore, this disorder does. So, here I sit writing this, feeling yet again like no one hears what i have to say, but I have so much to give, so much to offer, if only people could look past my past, and forget about what happened to me two years ago.

I wonder every single day what my life would be like today if I would have never done this, if I would have never lost those friends, lost that fire that I had, lost all of those great memories that can never be brought back. Would it be better, or would it be worse? Would i be popular, or would people make fun of me? Would I still be a horrible eater, or would my eating habits have changed naturally? Questions and more questions, that will forever be un-answered, because the only person that knows these answers is God, and I no longer think he cares about what happens to me, so I will never hear my answers from him. I hope this opened your eyes a little to the emotional, physical, and mental effects of an eating disorder, and I hope that you to, if you are suffering, can find someone who will support and love you through it, because I don't feel like I have that. And I need someone like that, and maybe if I had that, I would finally be free. Maybe..



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