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Shadows

When you make fun of someone that person doesn’t often show how much it impacts him or her.The truth is when you make fun of someone, the words actually hurt; I found out the hard way. Im in 11th grade and my past still haunts me from middle school. I will never forget the pain I had to go through. It all came flooding back to me the other day when someone actually mentioned the past and when they did it was like a smack in the face, because I thought it was all over.

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I walk into music class and I already hear the whispers as I make my way in. I’m in 7th grade and I should be happy like everyone else. The problem is, today is one of the worst days of my life. I will never forget the overwhelming feeling as they start shouting out names, and the teacher ignores it like it was nothing. Today would be the day I will snap I thought, and I was right.

****
Most nights I cried. I cried to my mom, that would sometimes cry with me.She would always tried to tell me that it was okay, and not to care what other people tough, but I did. I cried what friends I didn't have. But in the end I always felt emptiness and alone inside.I knew I had my mom that was always there but I didn't want to though all my stress and depression on her. She had enough to worry about, her two jobs and being a single mother, she had to pay the bills and had places to be and go.
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It was lunch time a Thursday, October 25th 2012 to be exact. It was spirit week and it was twisted Thursday, a day where you dress wacky. I had my old checkerboard color pants from 7th grade, a normal pair of jeans back then, a pair of jeans that helped me express who I was; but I can’t wear them anymore, because if I express myself, then people decide to express their hate for me. My friend Trevor looked at me, laughed and said, “remember when you used to dress like that all the time?”, and when he said that it didn't really affect me. I learned to let his comments not hurt me considering he was one of the only people who accepted who I was in middle school.


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I couldn't find the right place to sit, anywhere I chose someone who hated me was close by. I sat there and already could hear the fake coughs that had secret messages in them, and I wanted to get mad, I wanted to scream, but I let it bottle up, I let it sit inside me, I was ready to explode. I don’t exactly remember what I was wearing, I know I had just gotten my new haircut and was probably wearing my converse sneakers, and I liked my appearance. But they didn't.

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I was a chubby kid in 7th grade. And apparently my hair style wasn't what was in. My clothes were frowned upon and I just really felt like it was me against the world. I had a best friend at the time, her name was Kate. Although we don’t talk anymore she was similar to me back then, also being made fun of, but together we felt beautiful and we felt ourselves. My friends trevor always told me how beautiful I was and told me not worry what other people thought. He was always there for me, never thought what other people would think of him when he talked to me.

****
Then the pain started. They started to get verbal. I remember this day like it was yesterday, and it scary to think it may never leave me. I had a different name in middle school, It wasn't Alison , it was Joe dirt,Ugly, and fatty. And if I even thought about standing up for myself the words would become violent and worse, like b****, loser, scumbag, and whatever else you could probably think of. I never did anything to anyone, so why me ?

****
No one knows how depressed I was. I felt like I had no friends. I was already insecure about myself,I was fat and not skinny like all the other girls. I didn't have the money to buy name brand clothes like uggs , aeropostale or hollister. And I still don’t. I work hard for what I have, so here and there i'm able to buy myself the clothes I want. I’m still insecure about my body and my appearance, and when people bring up my past it just make it worse for me. I know what this girl said may be minor but it still hurt.Back then I wasn't wanted, I was ugly.

****
Class begins. And everyone starts calling me names,and I start to get stressed. I start to fight back, and I get shut down. My voice isn't powerful and positive enough against a whole entire class, and everyone starts laughing at me. Helpless and frustrated I look at the teacher, for help for comfort. And nothing , I get nothing.

****
As much as my past makes me feel like I know who I am, it brings back memories I never want. I know how it feels to be bullied. And it is truly the worst feeling in the world. Everyday I try my best to stop it from happening to other people. I stand up for people who can't do it themselves. After the verbal abuse I went through I learned how to stand on top and help other people. I offer people to sit with me at lunch, I can't stand the fact of someone sitting alone because people think they are losers. But you don't know a person until you talk to them. And it makes me sick to think someone could treat a person like that. I know people have reasons, like they are abused and what not, but that shouldn't be an excuse don't do something to someone when you don't want that to happen to you.

****
I start to yell back, louder and louder. I start to curse. Anger fills up inside me and I start to explode. But this just amuses them, and at that moment I feel like my life is over. I even start to tear up. And their laughter just continues. Why me ?

****
Right after Trevor made his comment, I just brushed it off like it was nothing. Then she had to make a comment. “ haha, when you used to dress like that , I would be like, wow shes sooooo cool with that outfit “ , I heard the sarcasm , it hit me like a crashing plane, straight to my feelings. No matter how minor that was it hurt. And I walked away.

****
And that was it. I couldn’t take it anymore I got up and stormed out of the classroom, laughter arose like a crowd in a stadium. And at that moment I thought maybe its over, I walked away its over. But it wasn't.

****
In the end its always me walking away. Me walking away from the world. Its always a constant battle for me, everyday wondering what people think about me, wondering if I will be made fun of again, I try not to think about that. I try to prevent that from happening to other people who instantly break. And now that I've made it to the top where people just stop and realize that I can stand up and be better then them, I know that I can pass this knowledge on and help people rise above pain and humiliation, and show who are really the monsters in this world.

I wonder sometimes how my life would be right now if I was popular in middle school, if i wasn't bullied. I wonder how much could have been different if my friends didn’t join in with the people making fun of me,and I still wonder.

How much would be different?

I wouldn't be a strong as I am today if the people who tried to ruin my morale didn’t do just that.

So I thank you all for doing what you did to me, from making me stronger and for scaring me for life, its an invisible scar but a big one. It’s a scary thought that lurks inside me each and everyday.



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mariras266 said...
Jan. 30 at 9:31 pm:
Its never easy for a parent to witness predjudice or bullying of their child. You want to do anything you can to protect them but you also dont want to embarrass them because that would be even more humiliating. I too was  bullied as a child but I lashed out in a different  way. I went from being a good quiet child to a wild child. I TOOK my respect because I was tired of being picked on. I made myself tough on the outside and it saddens me that my child went th... (more »)
 
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