Forever Changed.

October 22, 2012
By , Luther, MI
The yelling, the screaming, the fear in my heart grew bigger as the tears fell and the yells got louder.

I remember that night just like it happened yesterday. The thoughts still race through my mind. I think to myself, “Is this real? Is it really happening to me?” I didn’t know how to handle it.

At the age of eleven I wasn’t sure what to do or even think.

My dad already knew. He wished it wasn’t but it was.

She told him it was over and it wouldn’t happen again. Yet it did repeatedly. My dad had had enough. The night he came home from work to settle things and try to fix the family I once knew, she left.

She went to take some of his belongings to him. She left at 8:30pm, he lived fifteen minutes away. She waited until my dad had left for work to take his things back. She just left my brother and I at home by ourselves. I was scared and my brother acted like he didn’t care and wouldn’t help me. I didn’t know what to do. Then there were head lights in the driveway, it was now 9:18pm. My dad was home! My hero came to the rescue. Little did I know, all hell was going to break loose that night.

She left at 8:30 to go 15 minutes down the road and she’d be right back. Well her right back was at 11:45pm. She walked through the door and the screaming began.

My brother left, so I was left there to fend for myself. I used the only defense I thought I had at 11 years old. I cried. I tried to make them stop.

She was standing in the kitchen, screaming at my dad, telling him how worthless he was and she couldn’t love him anymore. As she was screaming at him he was telling me how to get as many clothes as possible. She turned her attention from him to me. She started screaming at me, I could smell the alcohol on her breath, she was telling me not to listen to him and to stay with her. I didn’t know what to do, so being a daddy’s girl, I got my clothes. Still crying my eyes out, I put the clothes I had into a bag. She threatened to call the cops, she said she would have them take me. She said she would follow us no matter where we went.

At that point they were both standing in the kitchen. My dad didn’t like her threats. He wasn’t going to put up with them, so he grabbed a cast iron frying pan, went outside, and almost threw it through the windshield of her van.

She was still screaming at him, telling him how worthless he is and if he threw it she would kill him.

One thing stopped him, I knew exactly what it was… it was me. I told him I just wanted it all to stop, as I had tears rolling down my face faster than a waterfall. He had seen the hurt and pain in my eyes, so he ended it. He went inside, got our stuff and put it in the car, then came to get me. He carried me to the car. She ran out of the house screaming at him, telling him how worthless he was, and if he threw it she would kill him.

My dad eventually told me that we were going to my older brother’s house. I was still crying. I didn’t know where my life was going to go.

He looked at me, told me everything was going to be okay and that he loved me. The last thing I remember him telling me, before I cried myself to sleep, was that he wanted to take the back roads because he didn’t trust her, she would probably call the cops.

That night has changed my life forever. To be honest that is the night my dad stopped doing drugs, for me.

And all of the screaming she did that night was the last I had heard from her in over a year. She didn’t even fight for me. Not one phone call. All of the messages on the answering machine were telling my brother how much she missed him and wished he was with her. It took one year, five months for her to leave a message for me. And that’s only because my brother told her, if she wanted to talk to him then she needed to talk to me too.
At that point I didn’t want her. She had proved how important I was to her, not at all important. It broke my heart. She couldn’t even say, “I love you” for me. Not once. It just showed her love for my brother.

To block out the pain she was causing me, I filled my heart with hatred.
I am now a 16 year old teenage girl without a mother to guide me, and help me. All because she wanted to make stupid choices. I have the most amazing father anyone could ask for. I love him so much, he’s my hero. But because of her we still have some issues every now and then.

In a way she ruined my life, but she helped me realize a lot about myself. I realized that I am determined to be a better person then she was. She gave me motivation to become something of myself. I want a good job so I can support my family, not a habit. I don’t want to drink. I want to be the mother she never was. I will not make the same mistakes she did. I know I seem quite judgmental, but I’m pretty sure I have that right.
She did drugs and drank instead of taking care of my brother and me. She was always drunk; she only spent time with the family if she could drink while doing it. She turned into someone I never thought I would see in the person that I called, “mom”. She is a horrible person. She has scared me for life. I will never be able to look at things the same way I did before.

But for some reason I still love her. Time and time again she has torn my heart apart, lied, ruined so many things for me, and all of the broken promises I waited for. Yet I still love her.
My dad doesn’t like when I talk to her. But he won’t stop me. He just hates how she continuously hurts me. He doesn’t like talking about her either, but that’s understandable; she broke his heart too.
Sometimes without a mother figure I feel very alone. I have no one to talk to, no one to help me pick out clothes, and no one to just spend girl time with. Without her here I feel torn apart, and hurt. And even though my dad is great, he doesn’t always know what to say or how to help. It’s in those times when he doesn’t know how to help me that I feel alone.

And all of this has happened because she wanted to be selfish, and put herself first.

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