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I never thought it would turn out like this. You and I, we had different plans didn’t we? We weren’t going to be amazing, were we? We were just going to be normal.
Normal would have been good. Normal I could have accepted. Until you decided to change things, change us. And then we had to rethink it all.
I had no idea what would happen to us. I hadn’t thought that far ahead at fourteen. But I never could have imagined this.
Getting through my GCSE’s was all I had my mind on. Then 6th form college and then university. Just the same as everyone else. I had no plan of what I would do next. No idea what subjects I wanted to study. One step at a time. That was good for me.
May is now at secondary school. So different to how I was. Her confidence is something I admire. I was worried about how she would hope but I know now she will be just fine.
When I thought about her and secondary school – how old I would be, I had a different view. I could not have pictured this. I thought I would be older, more grown up. I thought I would have everything sorted. Me and you, we’d know exactly where we were going.
I am older and wiser. But I feel no different. I thought there would be a change – I would see things differently. I have grown up yes, but in a different way. It wasn’t easy, like I so naively thought.
Yes I had a struggle. We fought like cat and dog. Fought till the bitter end. I fought against you most of the time. I could not understand why you were doing this to me.
Things didn’t make sense. People didn’t make sense. Relationships were lost and my heart was cracked. I can see now that it was for the best, but at the time I felt so alone.
You broke things, took things, and left me to deal with the fallout. I had no idea how I would cope and you were silent. I didn’t think I could ever forgive you.
Five years that went on but finally we are back on track, you, and me. Finally we see things in the same why. I understand now why you lead me down the path you did. Why I got sick. Why I had to stray from our planned path.
It wasn’t good enough. I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing – what I was truly good at. You had a plan all the time, I should have known. I should have trusted you. But that was hard to do at fourteen.
As for the people that have come and gone – I forgive you for that. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t our fault. It was their stuff they needed to sort out. Them and their life not me and mine.
We will be ok, you and I. But life you’ve got to take a back seat. Let me do the dictating from now on. I know where we are supposed to go. I can do this. You’ve just got to trust me. Please?
A writer, an author. We will be just fine. Amazing even. Thank you life. In a bizarre way you showed me I was good enough.
This is it for now. Stay close life, but not too close.
From, the girl you made me into today