The days feel like years without you. With each passing moment I miss you more. You consume my thoughts and dreams. I wish I understood the pain you were going through or the thoughts that struck your mind that day. I have so many questions. You were so young. We were so close to getting out of here. Just two more short years. Why didn’t you come to me? I could have helped you. I could have done something, anything. I would have crossed the world for you. I miss you. I miss everything about you. I say that a lot, but it’s true. You were my best friend and nothing will ever change that. We use to fight constantly but we’d always make up. I can’t remember a time that I was upset and needed someone to talk to and you weren’t there for me. You were always there. Even when I thought you hated me, you were always always there. Why wasn’t I there for you? I should have been. I should have been able to tell there was something wrong. I should have talked to you. I should have been a good friend. I regret not telling you how I felt the week before that.. I wish I would have listened, been the shoulder you needed. I gave him the letter.. I hope he understands how important it is for us to be able to remember and respect you. You deserve to be respected. I don’t care how you left, I care about the fact that you came. You walked into so many of our lives and changed them in a good way. I hate the fact that you walked out in the worse possible way. I want so badly to be able to see you one last time, or to talk to you, say goodbye. I can’t ever stop thinking about you and all of our memories. You were always so funny and always knew just what to say. I don’t know why it’s hit me so hard the last few weeks, maybe because it’s the beginning of the year and you aren’t here. Maybe it’s because I can’t just message you and know I’ll get a response. I can’t just call you. I can’t see your face. I can’t see you at all, besides in pictures and memories. That just isn’t enough. When Dani died it hurt, but I had answers and I knew she would be okay. I understood that accidents happen and that it was time to move on. With you, I have no answers, and I can only hope that you’re in a better place. I don’t know why you did it, and I don’t know what happened that day. Whenever I think about you it feels like there is a part of me missing. It hurts to breath, hurts to think about it. When I close my eyes, that awful picture flashes to mind. How could you just leave us like that? How could the one kid that always wanted everyone else to be happy, be so unhappy himself? Be so, so selfish. You weren’t meant to go this way. You were suppose to graduate with us. You were suppose to go out and become one the million things you dreamed of becoming. You were suppose to stay here, with us. How could you just leave? I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not only sad and confused, i’m upset and hurt.
September 26, 2012