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Isolation

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What’s the worst feeling I’ve ever had?

I’ve been lied to, rejected, yelled at, gossiped about, and hurt. But the worst feeling is never knowing when you’ll feel okay again. Or, never knowing that you will ever be okay again. Or never thinking you’ll be enough. Never knowing if there’s a better day after all this struggle. No one seeing the signs and caring enough about you to sit down and talk.

I go to school with 2200 other people. I don’t have any close friends. No one knows. Isn’t that crazy? How you can fool people without them knowing how much it pains you?

Freshman year it was the four of us. Then one of us sent me a message on Facebook and it was only the three of us.

I discovered one of the three of us was messaging the one who used to be the four of us about me, and it became the two of us.

Only a few months later, school started, and the two of us gradually stopped talking.

It was just the one of us.

For months and months, it was…quiet. I was by myself. Alone. Isolated.

I only had one person to talk to that would listen to me, and even they weren’t enough. They didn’t talk to me unless it was over the phone.

I made other friends, sure, but the fact that I never got back on my feet killed me. I still didn’t have a person I could go to when I needed to be serious, or even silly, for a few moments. I was alone, bitter, quiet, and all at the same time I wanted to scream at the world.

Why was I so invisible? Why was I overlooked? I wasn’t trying to ward off people, I swear. I just…did.

Every now and then, that feeling comes back. I still don’t have what people would call a healthy social life. I spend a lot of time on the computer, or reading, or writing, or watching movies, or tv shows or whatever I can do to get away from my reality and into someone else’s. When I do go out with friends, it’s really awkward. I’m not a crowd person, and I’m almost never invited to be with just one or two people. I’m lonely and I hate it.

Last year, I cried myself to sleep for at least two or three months on a nightly basis, when I actually did sleep. I’ve felt empty and depressed for the past year and I have talked to two friends about it, who have been very helpful and kind. I don’t have that “one” best friend, or even a group of friends, and that still feels like hell to me. I’m better than before, but under no means am I alright again.

I didn’t write this for any intended purpose at first. I wanted to rant, be inspirational, make someone I know possibly see this, or whatever. But now I guess there’s a lesson that can be learned: Don’t overlook.

That’s one of the hardest things to do, isn’t it? But if there’s someone close you’ve lost contact with, or gotten in a fight with, talk to them. It may be awkward for you, but if you truly cared about them, you would realize feeling awkward for a few moments is much better than them ever feeling like this. If one of the four of us came up to me a year ago, I would’ve been extremely thankful. If one of them came up to me today, I still would be.

If anyone manages to see this, make sure you realize that you can’t wish yourself out of someone’s life. They chose when they’re ready to let you go.





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TheCapturedBat This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 25, 2013 at 3:48 pm
First of all, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I can relate to your sense of isolation, and it is so reassuring to read your memoir and know that I'm not alone. I am lucky enough to have close friends that I can rely on, but I know what it's like to be close to a few important people, and then realize what a small part I play in their lives and how little we really know each other. I have been struggling intensely with a sense of social isolation, and reading what you... (more »)
 
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