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If You Really Knew Me...

By , Burlington, MA
If you really knew me, you would know why I hate this assignment. You would know exactly what it is I don’t want you to know about me and why. You would know that there are some things about me, some feelings I have, that I don’t even tell my own parents, much less my Health teacher. If you really knew me, you would know that I hope this doesn’t offend you, but there are some parts of my life that I don’t think I’ll ever feel like sharing with anyone. I will tell you some things about me and omit others, something I am sure all my classmates are also doing, even if they don’t state it this bluntly.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love animals. I have two snakes, a chinchilla, and three turtles. I spend tons of time with them, playing with them, feeding them, and cleaning their habitats. They’re the only ones who know the stuff you’re asking me to confide in you. You would know that I care about environmental sciences and want to go into environmental engineering someday. If you really knew me, you would know that.

If you really knew me, you would know that I have anxiety problems. GAD – General Anxiety Disorder. When a teacher mentions a test approaching, I tense up, and nothing makes my stomach twist itself into knots like a pop quiz. You would know how hard I work every day to keep a straight A average. I’m often up past midnight working until the wee hours of the morning. It’s not as easy as teachers think. I don’t know if you realize we have lives outside of school. I don’t know if you realize we have lives outside of your class. A typical teacher will assign a half hour to an hour of work every night, plus two or three quizzes a week and a test after every unit. And we have six academic classes. If you really knew me, you would know that.

If you really knew me, you would know that I’m supposed to be Catholic, but I don’t think I am. I’m just not buying the whole God thing. My parents tell me I should just feel Him, but I don’t. I swear I’ve tried, but it’s like God is hiding from me. Either God doesn’t want me to know Him or He doesn’t exist. Maybe I’m broken inside or something. Maybe God made a mistake with me and I came out wrong. I don’t feel broken, but how would I know? If you really knew me, you would know that.

If you really knew me, you would know how much pressure it is to have two crazy smart scientist parents, a super talented younger brother who goes to an elite private choir school, and a genius younger brother who carries a computer around where his brain should be. You would know what it’s like to always be second best to someone. I’m not a genius, and I’m not talented, but I push myself harder and harder to do more and more. It never stops, though. It’s a mask of a talented, brilliant, girl that I desperately cling to, but even that mask isn’t good enough. Some nights I wonder what it would be like to stop trying. I’m not suicidal, don’t worry, but if I didn’t try, all the pressure would be off. I would finally be free from constantly trying to prove that I belong with my family. If you really knew me, you would know why I’m writing this, why I’m telling you stuff that’s none of your business. If you really knew me, you would know that I’ve told you a ton, and yet there’s still a ton I haven’t told you. If you really knew me, you would know all of that.

If you really knew me, you would know that you’ll never see this paper. I’ll turn in a generic paper talking about how if you really knew me, you’d know that I like animals, that I work hard in school, that I’m a Catholic, and that I’ve got a big, loving family. You’ll never really know me.

I don’t know what you would think of me if you really knew me. Would you respect me more? Less? If I really knew you, I would know that.





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This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

Hobbles said...
Sept. 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm
I love this peice. It seems like you spoke all the things in my mind. I have all the same things. very weird. But I totally loved this. I'll recrommend it to other people. I hope you check out my work and that you keep writing. 5/5 Hoobles.
 
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