Maybe, Just Maybe, It Could Be Love

September 1, 2012
By Anonymous

I never believed in love in first sight – in fact, I’m still confused about it. The majority of me says: “Love at first sight isn’t love; it’s lust. To truly love a person, you have to know them.” The rest of me says: “Maybe, just maybe, love at first sight does exist. It’s not like in the movies or cartoons where it’s all fluffy magic, but more like a knife entering your heart – you can feel it, and even if you heal, there will always be a mark.” The latter part of me didn’t exist until a few months ago, when I first saw the man of my dreams, and I thought: “Maybe, just maybe, it could be love.”

It all started with a popular musical being performed at a nearby high school. A couple of my friends had friends in the cast and asked me if I wanted to go see it with them. I had seen some of the leads perform in other musicals and I was impressed by their skill. To top it all off, it was, and still is, one of my all-time favorite musicals. Needless to say, I excitedly agreed.

He was performing as the antagonist of the show – a not-so-great character that I have never been fond of. However, as the night went on, I found myself drawn to him. I even began to anticipate the times when I knew he would be on stage. But I didn’t think anything of it. I spent that night thinking about the tan, muscular boy with a gorgeous voice on stage playing the evil character while the rest of the girls I was with fawned over the looks and skill of the boy playing the protagonist.

After the performance was over, my friends and I went out to the lobby to meet and congratulate the cast. Sadly, due to the large audience, I was only able to briefly shake the hand of the boy I had spent the evening thinking about and murmur a brief congratulatory statement. Then I left, thinking I would never see him again. He was like a single stroke of lightning – bright for a split second, then gone, leaving the rest of the world just slightly darker.

As I exited the school, I had to walk down a hallway with pictures of the important students in the school. I noticed he was Senior Class President and on the football team, making him very popular. A little part of me died right in that moment. How could I, a nerdy girl who loves learning and reads in every free moment, ever get a guy like him? That sort of thing just isn’t possible in this world. And I left.
A couple of weeks later, I found out I had been accepted to the local university. I was ecstatic of course, but I had never stopped thinking about that boy. Would we have similar majors? Classes together? Was he even going to the same university I was going to? I had so many questions, and I hoped for the answers to be the answers I wanted them to be.

To satisfy my desire for theatre, I auditioned for the last performance I would do before going to college and focusing on academics. Miraculously, I got into the production – just as part of the chorus, but that was good enough for me! When the cast lists were posted, I recognized a couple of the names; friends of mine from past schools or productions I had gone to or been in. But one name in particular stood out. Yup, the boy who had yet to escape my mind was one of the lead characters in the production. This pretty much made the rest of my life! I just kept thinking about how I would FINALLY get the opportunity to get to know him more! And maybe, just maybe, it could be love.

But it wasn’t. Three months past with very little conversation between us – the longest being a mutual friend of ours introducing us. So in the three months that past, the three months that I hoped would allow me to get to know him more, the longest conversation we had was simply us stating our names and other common greeting phrases. Yeah, pretty much the biggest bummer of my life. It wasn’t until just a couple of weeks ago when I was reading a book for one of my courses that he looked over and began to talk to me. He had the same course, but at a different time and with a different instructor. He was going to the same university I was going to! Maybe, just maybe, it could be love!
Little conversations became more frequent, and occasionally we would make and hold eye contact. I knew so little about this boy, yet he was always on my mind. I was always thinking about him, and hoping he was thinking about me, too. Even more so, I was hoping that he might want to get to know me as much as I wanted to get to know him.

School started and we had no classes together. I didn’t see him around on campus or at any of the campus activities. Yet I began to love rehearsals because I knew he would be there! I began to make sure I looked extra good before rehearsals, and I always did my best – silently dedicating each performance to him. The rehearsals when he didn’t come were miserable and never failed to depress me.

And then, one day, I was waiting with a friend for class to start when she suddenly jumped up, squealed a bit, and ran over to hug a person – yes. THAT person. Millions of questions entered my mind. How did she know him? Were they a couple? She’s so beautiful…how could he ever be interested in me? It wasn’t until that last question creped up on me like ice water running down my back that I realized, too late, that I had fallen for him.

Having never really been interested in love and such, it was such a new experience. Just seeing him made me so happy…and yet so sad. Finally I got what I wanted. I wanted to get to know him more, to know more about him. Karma is funny that way…I began to realize that, like everyone else in the world (so it seemed), he knew how he looked and used it to his advantage. He could have any girl in the universe…why would he pick me? There are so many beautiful girls out there!

And so, I experienced my first broken heart. I can never have him. I love him…wow, still such a weird thing to admit! Because I love him, I have to let him go. He deserves a beautiful, talented, brilliant girl…it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I wish with my whole heart that I was good enough. That I was as beautiful as I am smart…as talented as I am loving. But I’m not, and because of that, I have to let him go.
Of course, I still don’t know him that well. We’ve only had brief conversations – each one is so painful now, knowing that I cannot have that every day. Suddenly, I can relate to so many tragic characters; anyone who’s ever experienced that “one who got away” sort of thing. I still love him, and maybe there is someone else out there for me. I am certain that he will find the perfect girl – he already knows many of them.
All of this brings me back to love at first sight. It’s obvious to me now that I certainly experienced a love at first sight. But does love at first sight even exist? Was it his handsome face and muscular, tan body that brought me to him? Or was it more like a knife, slipping silently into my heart, leaving a mark that can never be repaired?

We are still rehearsing and preparing to perform in the production we’re in right now. After it’s over, I’m not certain that I will see him ever again. Just like last time. Occasionally, we our eyes still meet. Occasionally, we have something in common that we can talk about. But I still love him. Maybe, one day, he’ll see me for who I am. He’ll see how much I care about him. And then maybe, just maybe, it will be love.

The author's comments:
This is me getting my feelings out there on paper. It's like therapy - I feel SO much better!

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