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Dear You

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Dear you
Do you remember when we met?  I was drawn to you.  Instantly.  Everyone was.  It was the effect you had on people.  You drew them in but, you also pushed them away.  You were like a celebrity.  No one could get close, but no one could stay away.
And thats how I fell........for you.
I wanted to be the one who was close to you.  You seemed so sad, but let no one help you.  I took it upon myself to get close, to be the one you looked to.
I think I accidentally guilt-ed you into dating me.  Of course, your story has changed so many times over the years that I don't know what happened with you then.  I do remember asking if you liked me, and then the humiliation after you laughed and said no.
I tried to shrug it off, learn a lesson, and then you changed your mind.
I hadn't counted on this, and was terrified.
I tried so hard to do everything right, I ended up choking on my foot but, you didn't seem to mind.  At least I made you laugh?
That's when you told me you loved me. 
The L-word scared me.   I haven't expected the relationship to go this long.  But eventually I had to answer, praying that I meant it.
Eventually I did, I think............. I know I believed it then.
I never even noticed that I had to try so hard to get you to look at me, even back then.
I was blind, I guess, by wanting love and believing you did too.
Maybe you did, it's not for me to say.
The times you ran, from something mostly harmless, I followed, not realizing that you didn't care that I was there, not bothering to notice me pleading for you to stop.
There were the good times, I'm not saying there weren't, the things I yearn to remember but, I'm afraid to look too close, to find them tainted too.
Because there were the times I cried because you wouldn't look at me, too busy hanging out with that girl, the friend of the family, the one you actually had seen in three months.  I don't think she was a girlfriend too you, she just was one of many people you'd rather be with than me.
Deny it all you want, I did too for a very long time........
Like most romances, ours did come to an end.
You ended it, believing some darker purpose while I was trying to explain my hurt.
You had said before you only dated people who you could be friends with afterwards, and still talk to.
Funny thing is, you went silent for three months.  I tried to talk to you, but after I gave an angry "no" to your, next day, "I changed my mind" speech you decided not to acknowledge me in any way shape or form........and then you started swearing you loved me........
Later you said that me talking you during this silence was what you wanted and it helped you out of whatever hole you were in. You claimed that you wanted to speak to me but didn't think I wanted you to......funny thing is, at one point I begged you to. 
We were friends on and off, you turned on the romance, and pathetic me fell back for you........until you kissed my friend in an attempt to impress me with how much you cared about people.  There's a word you forgot to put in front of the word "people". OTHER.
I got mad, you apologized, and we were friends for a few hours, until I got mad again and you, decided to take the easy way out by proclaiming "F this" and  going silent for a while.
And who apologized?  Let's just say I'm still waiting to hear one meant for me.
So we have continued, your long silences, broken by a few moments of friendship and then you disappear again for whatever reason that you don't bother to share.  I confront you and you run away again. More silence and on very rare occasions a slight apology and a fountain of "I love you"
We are at the silent point now
I'm confused and tired of trying to force you to talk to me.
I find it hard to believe you actually want me to help you out of some dark place you're in.
If you want to talk to me, do so, but this time, I ain't doing it for you.
I'm gonna assume this is goodbye then.
Sincerely,
Me





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