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Some people face hardship. Times where they just don’t know what to do. So they give up. Give up on their lives and take the easy way out. Sometimes, these people have real reasons… real horrid problems that push them to the limit… other people, well, other people just slip into depression for no reason at all… what starts it?
Nothing. Either that or a small event that triggers this illness (if you choose to call it that).
This is me. No real tragic events or problem… I don’t know why I am this way… but I am. I guess when you look back on it all… there were always a few things wrong… things I couldn’t handle… life. Life is hard, and truth be told, I cannot handle my life. However, I’m good at hiding how I really feel so I guess the rest doesn’t matter. Right?
“You withdraw when the boys are around, and I don't know why. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but it's true. You're normal when you're with me, or when there's only three of us or something, but then it seems that you distance yourself when anybody else comes into the picture… You have changed from when we were in eighth grade. I mean, when I first came, you introduced me to everybody, and everybody would talk to you. Now, you're practically a ghost in the school.” (Darcy – best friend)
Pain. Heartache. I feel as if there are strings attached to my heart and someone keeps tugging them to see what’s there… my friends, my friends are constantly pulling these heartstrings. Tug. Tug. Tug.
I sliced open my wrist in one firm stroke and watched, fascinated, as the blood leaped out of my vein… my wrist was latticed with scars but the sight of my own blood flowing free continued to captivate me. Before long, a familiar haze drifted over… ahhhhh, that’s better. I felt relieved. Relaxed. Just as it should be. For a moment, reality was forgotten and my life revolved around that smooth action that brought my blood seeping out. However brief it may be.
I get on the phone to the only person who can help. He makes me feel better. Helps me stop.
ME: "Kenny?" Forcing back tears
KENNY: "Oh Kay Kay what’s wrong?" He was worried…I don’t blame him…It is 2am.
ME: "I-I um well I I didn’t mean to! I was just so… and it was… I’m so sorry!" The dam burst and tears came streaming down my cheeks
KENNY: "It’s ok. Are you alright?" He was disappointed. I knew it. That familiar tug at my heart came…
ME: Between gasps and sobs I croaked, "I-I’m so sorry. Last time. Honest"
KENNY: "You said that last time…" He’s right. I did. "I have faith in you Kay Kay. You can do it. I know you can." Tug. Tug. Tug. I hate disappointing people.
ME: "Thanks Kenny. I’ll stop. Last time." I was always wrong.
I just, couldn’t help it. The pain overwhelms… and this, this is my release. It works too. I’m free, just for a little while, from reality but then BAM back into life facing all the consequences of my actions. Scars. Scars cause teasing. Laughter. Nobody understands so what do they do? They laugh.
I dream. Dream of a place away from this torture that is my life.
I dream of freedom, freedom from the prison bars of society.
WHY: Sick of living. Of life. Don’t see the point.
RESULT: Failed every time. Dang it.
She crumpled to the ground an anguished cry falling from her mouth. Tears pouring down her face, a face, contorted with pain as if she was the one dying…but no, it was worse. Her best friend was. WHY!?!?! A scream to send chills down her mother’s spine. Nobody would go near her. The sound. That one question…bounced around the room. Unanswered.
Grief is defined as the keen mental suffering or distress through problem or loss; sorrow; regret.(Macquarie Dictionary)
With Krystal gone it was time to step up and face the music to prove that I AM good enough and I AM capable of achieving something in my life. I had to show Krys I could do it. It wouldn’t be easy though, first step: stop harming myself and actually LIVE! Oh boy this was a hard task! For once, the last time was actually THE last time and no longer would I disappoint those closest to me.
Kenny you can finally be proud of me!
Krys it’s been too long, I miss you so much! You can be happy. What’s it like there? Do you like it? Would I like it? Are you watching over me? If you are, I hope you are happy with what you see. I finally want my life. Can you believe it!? For once in my life, I WANT TO LIVE! It’s because of you that I am like this now… I only wish the situation was different. I miss you so much! I love you hunnie and I hope you are proud. I hope you are ok. (Diary entry, December 2011)
It’s time to break free from these shackles! It’s MY life and it’s time I took control. It’s time for me to shine. With my friends by my side things can only get better… I hope.
I’ve been fading into the woodwork again
And I’m feelin’ like I just wanna hide
But guess what
I’m gonna try something just a little bit
Different this time
I’m gonna give myself permission to shine
I’m gonna shine so bright
Gonna make every head wanna turn
You’re finally gonna see me
Give myself permission to shine
Gonna light up the night
Shine a little of my light on the world. (Permission to Shine by Bachelor Girl)
The burdens of my life, forgotten. I can be ME (discover who ‘me’ really is…) I want to run, scream ‘till the words die out, dance, sing, climb, do cartwheels, do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! And not care about the rest… FREEDOM! Krystal, Kenny, this is for you. After all, why not?