How Do You Know?

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How do you know when you truly like someone?

Is it like with Vance, the way his name wont leave me alone? The way I can't stop seeing him in my head, feeling the warmth of his shoulder against mine while we sit on the cold theatre floor, listening?

Listening to Elias' poetry. Is it like with Elias, when you suddenly begin to think of someone in a new way? A way you've never thought of before--but, well, he's nice, and not too ugly, his poetry is good, and he looks pretty hot in those skinny jeans of his.

So what's it like? Is it like Miles where you can't help but feel bitter when your best friend gets a date with him? When you can't help but comment on every photo he posts, and you can't stop your heart from fluttering when you chat with him, or see him in real life?

Or is it like with Caleb, the way I had always thought that "if he were to ask me, i would say yes...", but when he asks Sierra, I suddenly feel betrayed? Let down? Left out?

Is it like Kyle, when I refused to dance with him and then I felt so bad? The way he tried so hard to impress me was pathetic, and then, I ditched him, spent the entire night hiding behind friends and a cheap halloween mask Rika brought. Even better was the second time he asked--and then he sang. In front of the entire school. "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend" by The Ramones will forever be a song I relate to embarrassment.

So how do you know? What's it like? This has brought back to many feelings--the thought of each of those sets of lips touching mine, our hands clasped in the movie theatre, or perhaps at recess. Why is it that I can't even differentiate between my own feelings?

But I can.

It's not like Caleb--he was always a backup, right? And it's not like Kyle, I just felt bad, and embarrassed. Perhaps it's like Elias--just maybe. But really, it's like Miles and Vance.

They are so similar. It's remarkable--I feel the same, they act the same, nearly everything is the same. Except, it's too late for Miles. Right? It has to be, because I don't know if I could date anyone else with the idea of Miles still lurking in the back of my mind.

That is, if Vance ever returns my email. He was online this morning. I saw him online, I was so excited. And then--click!--he went off.

I can't believe he did that. I just wrote this meaningful post about how it must be him, and yet...no response. Am I beginning to doubt myself?

Yes. As always.





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