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I Am Afraid
I yearned for his touch his voice his eyes I yearned for him. Ever since that first touch I knew it was just meant to be I knew that some way or another fate had brought us together, but calling him mine is the complication within this situation.
The hugs I have gotten so used to are no longer enough, at first they made me smile and now I find myself deprived from what I want most. Him. Although I didn’t know it just yet not until the hugs had stop his smile had gone and his face was only seen from a distance as if he were a stranger I could not keep my eyes off.
At first I didn’t want to be around him I knew his feelings and I avoided them but soon gave in when I had no choice but to, when I wanted to be with the friends I loved I had to be with the one that Liked me no matter how much I didn’t want to. I eventually got used to it, we were talking once again and my feeling for him that had once existed in silence were coming back to the surface and he knew it. Talking online in the afternoons after school and talking during the lunch hours it seemed to be as I had wished but I could no let myself get close to him I would not let myself get close to him no matter how much I wanted it.
He gives my friend a good bye hug as the bell rings in a distance ‘do you want a hug too?’ he asks even though he already knows I do, I have been complaining about it when we talk online. I can tell him more online then I can in person. ‘yes’ I say rapping my arms around his neck as I sit on the port racks I quickly walked to my bag trying not to let my grin show. ‘He hugged me, he finally hugged me’ I thought to myself witch was making it harder not to smile.
As soon as I was alone in the toilet cubical I let my smile free I could feel it from one end of my face to the other my cheeks getting numb at the hard smile that was set upon my face.
And that was the first touch.
I often looked into his eyes his deep brown eyes they were beautiful so dark and mysterious. Amazing really. I was falling too hard too fast for me to cope with I will not let myself do this.
The days past the hugs were more frequent and became more natural I still didn’t feel as though I could be myself as much as I wanted to.
When he was away I notice how I miss the presence of him being there. Of course him being one grade about me didn’t help at all next year will come and he will no longer be at the same school as I am he will be going off into the world looking for his own home to settle down in and leaving me behind at the dreaded school.
One normal Friday my mind was in a mess trying to not think about what I was thinking about witch was making me think about it more a frown had made its way onto my face causing my mood to plummet more than ever. Getting lost into my thoughts I felt my phone vibrate through my wallet the message was from him I opened it up “smile” it said.
Walking towards me I said ‘No’ but smiled anyway I tried not to but how could I deny those eyes?
After time term two came and he went no longer hanging out with us he had better things to do I would often look over towards him and his other friends wondering what would It be like now if had never stopped hanging out with us. He would catch my gaze and I would quickly look away not knowing what to do Ide see him walking around school on the way to class Ide walk faster anything that would put me into his path I would take and we it did I would run from what might come next.
I will not let myself care I will only lose what I care about like I always.
I’m not open to love; when it comes to love I run away and hide until it goes away no matter how much I want it.