Give my regards to Fear, Weakness, and Anger

May 17, 2012
By Divinaskisses SILVER, American Fork, Utah
Divinaskisses SILVER, American Fork, Utah
8 articles 1 photo 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
1) "The deeper you sink the higher you'll soar" ~unknown
2) "Belive you can fly and no one can hold you down." ~unknown
3) "Flying is learning to throw yourself at the ground and miss." ~unknown

To the three male figures that I once respected, loved, and called "father", that made 16 years of my life hell:
You Don't know me. You've never known me. Did you ever want to know me? It doesn't matter now. I'm all grown up, I wear my big girl panties, and I don't need you. So I have something to say to each of you, starting with my biological father, who, for now, I'll call 'fear'.

Dear Fear,
Growing up, my mom gave everything in her power to give me. Everything, except the one thing I wanted most. You. I never did understand why you didn't want me when I was born. Mom said you were afraid of being a bad parent, but I know now you were afraid of so much more. When I was little, I always hoped you'd change your mind, but when you never showed up, I decided to find you myself. I looked for years and just when I thought of giving up, I found you on Facebook! Can you imagine how excited I was? My family could finally be a whole! I wrote you a message, do you remember? I was 12 then. You never replied. Your sister did though. She wasn't very nice. 12 years of wondering if you wanted me even half as much as I wanted you to want me, and you couldn't even reply back. Maybe you can't, but try. Try to imagine how I felt that day. I didn't even cry, not at first. I thought, "he's in shock, he'll change his mind. He wants me, he loves me. He's just in shock." I checked my Facebook every day for the next six months, but you never did change your mind.
Mom says I got a lot of things from you. Your taste in music, your artistic ability, and your smile. But, I also got your fear. Since I was old enough to understand that my own dad hadn't wanted me, I have been afraid that others wouldn't want me too. It's taken me too long to realize that I don't have to be afraid. That it isn't my fault that you were to too afraid to take responsibility and that I can love and be loved with out having to be afraid that I won't be good enough for them. Because I make myself who I am, not you. You haven't done anything for me in your entire life or fulfilled any of the duties the title 'father' entails. So I done letting you hurt me and I am done being afraid. I just wanted to say, Goodbye.

Next up, the man I put all my hope in. You were going to be my 'rebound' dad. I loved you so much, and maybe that's why you've caused more heartache than the all others. I put my faith in you, and you let me down, over and over and over again. I'll call you 'weakness'.
Dear Weakness,
Your not physically weak. You were in Americas Special Forces. You were my hero. Your not that tall, but to a two year ole, your a giant. I was three when and my mom got married. You gave me my sisters Renae and Gabriel, and for that, I am grateful. I remember the first time I heard my mommy crying because you were gone. You sure had to leave a lot because of the military didn't you? It used to make me so sad, but it wasn't till I was older that I found out it wasn't really military business. You had a girlfriend... and a baby. Were we not good enough for you? I guess so. I thought things were perfect, but apparently not. I was always afraid you would leave us, just like my first dad did, but you always came back. I remember when you came back that last time, I wished you hadn't. You were so angry, and I was scared. I don't remember much, but I remember mommy yelling, and you were yelling too. We were driving and you and mom were fighting. I was holding Renae's hand when you punched the dashboard so hard it left a dent that could fit both of my tiny hands in it. Mom pulled over and made you get out. The moment hadn't lasted long, mom made sure of that, but I remember staring at that dashboard as if time had stopped and all there was in the world was my sister crying, my mom yelling, you leaving, and that broken dashboard. Then, time began to speed up, too fast, and suddenly mom was rushing us inside the door, telling us to go to our rooms. But I didn't go. I hid in a corner and heard as my mom called her mom, said she was scared. Then, saw her looking through the blinds, see you coming, and call the police. I heard the bang when you punched a hole in the garage door, and I didn't understand what was going on when you broke in yelling. I don't remember a lot, but my last memory of that day, is of the police talking to you, telling you to leave us. After that, I have no memories except the most recent. I remember mom used to take Renae and Gabby to see you. Sometimes I went. But I never forgave you. You left us, and I couldn't forgive you.
I know now why you did the things you did. You are weak. Even today when you 'try' to make things right, you only try when it's convenient for you. Since that day, I have tried to forgive you, but I haven't been able to. You cheated on my mom, You left us for someone else, repeatedly, and in the end, you just couldn't be what I expected you to be. I wanted a dad, and you gave me a weak excuse of one, because that's what you are. Weak. Today, your an alcoholic. Sometimes when you get really drunk, you call mom saying you want to get to know your kids before it's too late. Well, I've got something to tell you. It's been too late. It was too late, when you cheated on my mom. It was past too late when the police escorted you away from our home. And it was way beyond too late when you decided to 'try' last Summer. I would have given you a second chance, and I have. I have given you chance, after chance, after chance, and soon as things get hard, you leave again. As I said previously, I have never forgiven you, but I'm going to now. I forgive you, because I am stronger than you. I forgive you, because I am not weak. I forgive you, because I am ready to let go. It's my turn to do the leaving this time. I just wanted to say, Goodbye.

Now on to dad number three. I have to say your my least favorite, and even though all I did was fight you, all really wanted was for you to love me, and for you to be the dad I thought you could be. I just wanted you to love me. I'll call you, Anger.
Dear Anger,
There are two things I am grateful for that you have given my family. My sister Desirae and my brother Jordan. Other than that, there is nothing I can thank you for. I was already emotionally screwed up before you came into my life, and trust me, you didn't help one bit. Nope, not even a little. In fact, you screwed me up even more. I know you don't have the emotional capacity in you to understand what you put me through, so I won't even try to explain it to you. When you married my mom, I felt like God was answering my prayers. I remember when you still lived in Colorado and we lived in Texas. Remember that time when I was sick and we said prayers over the phone? That meant the world to me. I was six then. I still have that pink teddy bear you gave me. I'm sure why I've kept it. Back when you and mom were still married I would hold it and cry for hours. I guess it represents everything I hoped I would have one day. I remember when you took it and put it on top of the fridge for a week. Maybe it didn't mean anything to you, but it was after that moment that we started fighting first. Mom said it was to be expected, you were my step dad after all, and things themselves out. But they never did. Things just got worse and worse. Mom got depressed, withdrawn. She was so tired all the time, and she never wanted to be in the house. We were always moving, you could never keep a job very long, could you? I remember the last house we lived together. It was beautiful, and we could barely afford it. I remember the stairs leading up to my room. They had a light, tan-ish banister and a gray carpet with blue specks. I remember so well, because you and me had a lot of fights on those stairs. Do you remember when you threw me down them? Or how you used to drag me up them, squeezing my arms so tight, sometimes I'd thought they might fall off. I remember hiding in the basement, under those stairs, and calling our neighbor, because I didn't know what else to do. Do remember that? That was during the last month of you living with us. I remember when mom changed the locks too. How you screamed and cussed so loud the neighbors called the police. It's too bad you weren't arrested, because you deserve it, and I'm sorry I never pressed charges for what you did to me. I wish I had, maybe you would have learned your lesson. And maybe you have on your own, I don't know, but know one thing, you taught me to be angry. To be angry and never let go of your anger of admit you were wrong. And of all the things I've had to learn from my dads, this has been the hardest. I love my sister Renae. But once when we were fighting, I hit her. I hit her and I hurt her, like you used to hurt me, and I can never forgive myself for that, and things will never be the same between me and my sister. But, I learned my lesson, and I will never let my anger control me like your anger controls you. I may never get my sister back, but at least I have myself back, and that is something you will never be able to say. Because you can't admit to what you did, and you won't admit that you were wrong. If you get one thing from reading this, I hope its that anger isn't worth the lasting damage it causes, and whether it or not, I know that you suffer inside. And although you will never be who I needed you to be I hope that one day you can be who you need to be. I don't need you anymore, I just wanted to say goodbye.

I have loved and hated all three of you, and have hurt me in ways no one else could. But now, I'm saying goodbye because its all I can do. I can't change you, but I can change myself. I hope you can be the fathers I once thought you could be, just not for me, because I've learned to go on with out you. I just wanted to say, GOODBYE.

The author's comments:
This is about my experiences with my biological father and my two ex-step fathers. Its my story on physical and emotional abuse. It's how I dealt with it and how I didn't deal with it. It may not be written the best, but it's true.

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