Memoirs of Silent Walls
Chapter Nine: Questions to Self


I’ve often questioned myself on who I am and who I want to become. And every time I ask these questions I can’t give myself a straight answer. Simply because I don’t know. I know I am strong, and I have a tendency not to trust. To shoot first and ask questions later. But that doesn’t make a person. I wonder what made me, me. And when put in certain situations, I wonder how I would react. And how would I know who I want to become? Because no one is perfect. I’ve never wanted to solely be another person. Maybe I’m not always happy with the person I catch glimpses of in myself. But I understand that that person is me.

During and after my rape I wondered if it was my fault. Maybe I had unconsciously sent out signals or put myself in that situation. But I came to understand that I was just a child. And I had no way of knowing how my actions would be interpreted. After I realized that I also questioned myself on why it took so long to speak up. Three years of my life went to two men that mutilated my mind and my spirit. What took me so long? And then I remembered that I was terrified. I was terrified that no one would believe me. I was terrified that they would hurt the boy I had raised. And when I remembered these things I understood. Because when I finally did speak up my fears came true. No one believed me. I understood.

I frequently question myself on how to let my wall down and trust. But after I ask that I ask myself why my wall is there in the first place. I know that my wall is there to protect me. Sometimes I stay to myself or cut people off because of it, but I keep myself from false dreams and the betrayal of my own soul.