Please, Help Me Find You Again

April 15, 2012
By , Mounds View, MN
“Please help me find you again. I need you. I do. I know I haven’t gone to church or prayed in a while but I’m going to from now on. Please don’t forget about me.”

This was the first prayer, I’ve said in months. Today I had a very bad anxiety attack. I’ve had them before, but ever since high school. They’ve been a weekly thing. Ok, maybe not all of high school but ever since October.

I realized that they started really bad, right after I got confirmed. You’d think, “Oh. She’s confirmed. She’s a child of God. She has nothing to worry about.” But that’s wrong.

At first I thought high school was easy. Not a lot of homework, no drama, extremely nice teachers. Yeah, the first few months were heaven. Then it all took a wrong turn.

High school is about finding yourself. Figuring yourself out, you know? And even though I was only fourteen, and a freshman, I felt like I needed to find myself, and quick!

I tried lots of different things. Drama, writing club, art club, drum line, dance team. But not many things worked. Drama, had, well…drama. Writing club, kids were mean to me. Art club was too big of a commitment, drum line was too expensive, and I found out on dance team, that I really can’t dance!

One activity I tried and absolutely loved, and everyone was super nice, was marching band! Sure it’s a time commitment like I said art club was, but it’s during the summer, so I don’t have school to worry about. Yes, we were out there committed to it every step of the way, even in one hundred degrees, and sunburns.

I found out that, that’s really what I want to do; music! I really liked all the other clubs and teams, but music hits home. Well…I guess more like, hits soul. I’ve always loved music, but this reminded me how much I also love performing.

So, in the winter, I decided to give drama another try. I loved it! It was a really fun play, and everyone is super nice.

After drama was over, was the worst time in my life. I was tired all the time, I was sick. All I did was come home from school and just sit and do nothing, and even though I didn’t do anything anymore, for some reason, I would always find an excuse not to go to church. I’m too tired, I don’t feel good, and I have too much homework. I just stopped going; stopped believing.
And that was when my anxiety was making me physically ill. I would get headaches, I was sore and stiff, and my stomach would hurt all the time.

And I even found that my attitude had changed. I didn’t want to talk to anybody; the littlest things set me off all the time, I was unbelievably sad. My life was in a bad place.

I know what you’re thinking, but no. I never told myself to end my life. I told myself, “Your awesome, you’re beautiful.” I even told myself, a quote from my favorite movie “The Help.” Abilene would always tell the little girl she was taking care of every morning, “You are smart; you are beautiful, you are important.” I tried to smile once a day, not to feel sorry for myself, and to make time for myself. But I realized it was all an act.

I did feel sorry for myself, and my smile was a mask, covering the tornado disaster that was my heart. I needed help.

I would come home from school and sleep until dinner, and then, just sit in my room and do nothing until I fell asleep for the night again. My grades were falling, no one wanted to talk to me, and I was even growing sick of myself. I didn’t know what to do and told myself, “this is life, deal with it.” But I couldn’t, and that’s were anxiety comes in.

I start to shake, I cried for hours, my heart beats really fast, and I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m about to die right then and there.

Today I finally got sick of it. I called all my friends to vent to, and I decided that I’m gonna go church every Sunday no matter how I feel. I’m not gonna let the small stuff bug me. Today I realized that God had not given up on me. I had given up on him but he stuck by me, and I realized that no matter how hard life gets, Gods always there.

I wanna share with you a quote from a book I read:

“Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It isn’t about who you’ve kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it’s not about grades, money, clothes, or what collages accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted, or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that.

But life is about who you love, and who you’ve hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It’s about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all, it’s about choosing to use your life to touch someone else’s in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life’s about.”

I know it seems silly but, I live my entire life by quotes. Like this one, and “Sticks and stones my break my bones, but words can shatter the soul.” I’ll never forget that quote. It helped me realize what life is really about. It saved my life.

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