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Cycles

By , smithtown, NY
Ever since I was thirteen years old, I'm eighteen now, I've had a desire to die. I've always thought of myself as someone who wouldn't live a long life. Not because I didn't want to, but because it wouldn't work out. And I honestly didn't want to live all that long. I wasn't happy, I was always somewhat miserable. My thoughts of death and dying were nonstop. In my mind ideas of ways to die, and how I would want to die never ceased. Then the attempts began, I attempted to kill myself more than once. Both times failing, and both times I ended up in the hospital. The worst thing I've ever had to experience was opening my eyes to that all too white light and knowing I failed. Those failed added on to my depression, and added on to how I thought I wasn't good enough. I ended up in the psych ward at the hospital.

The thing about me is that I'm a good faker, that's why the therapists I had never thought I was improving but never thought I was getting worse either. While the whole time I was planning my next attempt. So while I was in the hospital I pretended my way out of there and never looked back. But still nothing changed.

Slowly I began to fade away from my friends and family. I started spending more and more time locked in my room reading, reading seemed to be my only escape. I had a best friend though, and she helped as much as she possibly could. But she lived miles away from me. And she also seemed to get discourage by my never ending cycle of attempts, threats, and, in general, depression. She still stuck by me though, and I'm thankful for that. At a certain point she was the reason I was still alive. I wanted to stay alive for her, because she needed me. We needed each other.

I felt like my life never gave me a break. And in a way, I knew I was walking into trouble. I believe that was because of my desire to die, and the fact that I honestly didn't care about myself. The boyfriend I had for years began abusing me in more ways than one, and soon that became unbearable. So I tried to cut him out of my life, but I missed him. And it bothered me how much I missed him, because he was so horrible to me. He made me feel useless and he made me feel like I deserved to die.

Time continued to move forward and slowly I felt like I was improving. Finally I felt like I wanted to live, I wanted a future with children and a husband and possibly a career that I absolutely loved. But once again, my life never gave me a break. Finally I was free of my ex boyfriend's grasp, though, new challenges came. My best friend was now becoming more distant from me, I couldn't tell if she wanted to stay friends or give up on me. That hurt more than anyone can ever know. The one person I trusted with my life didn't seem to care about me anymore. After years of secrets, laughs, and heartaches she seemed to be trying to break free of me. We hung on, though, and that might be where we went wrong. Maybe we should have gave up while we were ahead. Before we began to actually hate each other.

I got diagnosed with cancer at age eighteen. I knew nothing could cure me. I felt like this was some sort of punishment. Almost like: well you've tried to off yourself and failed miserably so here's an easy way out. Even at that moment though I knew I had to fight, for my family. For my mom especially, she was always there for me but she is someone who I always overlooked. As we sat there facing the doctor and discussing treatment options my mind turned to the petty things. I refused to lose my hair, I refused most forms of treatment they were offering me. My mom gave up on me too at that moment, and told me to make up my own mind. I could live or die, the choice was finally mine. So I thought about every person in my life and I realized they have all moved on. Their issues were gone, their lives were moving forward and here I was stuck. Stuck with this never ending depression, stuck with this incurable disease, just stuck. And I knew that the only way to get unstuck was to fight.

So here I am. Telling my story and telling the world, I'm here. And I'm not giving up again.





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