My Mother

By , Ravenwood, MO
“To a child's ear, "mother" is magic in any language.” - Arlene Benedict. That quote is true. My mother was the most wonderful thing in my eyes. When you’re a baby your parents are the only things you love. My mother didn’t understand that babies constantly need attention. My mom had to take the place of my mom and my dad, and sometimes it was challenging for her. She had many people that would help her; my aunts, cousins, and grandmother. She was young and tried the best she could, but she didn’t understand that a baby needed constant attention and most of her time; I was always staying with people that weren’t my mom. But even though sometimes she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.

My mom was lonely most of the time. She always had to have someone else in her life. She was happy to have me, but she needed the perfect family that she had always dreamed of. We lived in the trailer and she was dating Josh; he always took care of me because she didn’t want to. He would bathe me, feed me, and get me ready for school. He always tried his hardest to please my mom but he didn’t fit into the perfect family she had always dreamed of. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.
Even though my mom loved me more than anyone, she loved something else more than me: drugs. Drugs have always been a problem for her, her one true love. But there were things about drugs that she didn’t understand. Drugs didn’t love her back, they wouldn’t solve her problems, and they definitely couldn’t give her the dream life she wanted. She used drugs to escape from her problems, and then when she would sober up, her problems would still be there, unsolved, and so she’d use the drugs again. She was running away from her problems and never solving them, only hurting herself emotionally all the time, which always is the route of her problems. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.

My mom had another addiction: guys. There’d be a new guy flying into my life at different times. A new “Daddy” and a new home, I felt forced to love someone I’ve never even met. She didn’t understand that even though she could instantly fall in love with someone, I on the other hand, could not. My mother has a lot of problems and love is one of the biggest ones. She chose another guy over my little sister and me. She’ll never understand how much that hurt me. I couldn’t understand how my mother could choose someone else over her own children. I felt betrayed, lied to, broken, and depressed. My mother had always told me that she would never choose someone else over my sister and me. Out of all the things that she’s ever done to me; my mom abandoning was the worst. No one could ever understand the sadness of not being wanted by your mother, except for people whose mothers didn’t want them. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.

Babies: my mother was always focused on having babies. I had a little brother, his name was Preston, but there were complications and he didn’t make it. My mother went into labor on my birthday and she missed my birthday, Preston was born on June 1, and it crushed me when I got the news. My mother then tried for another baby, and Alexa made it. I love my little sister more than anything and would do anything for her. Out of all the things that my mother has ever given me, my little sister is the greatest gift. With the new baby in my mother’s life, love was all focused on Alexa. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.
When I stopped seeing my mother through the eyes of a child I didn’t see her as the light of my life and the only one I loved, but more as someone who was very troubled and had a lot of problems. At first, I hated her for not wanting us, and I didn’t want to talk to her. I didn’t talk to her for a very long time, and I believed she deserved it. In my eyes she was now a terrible person, and didn’t deserve my respect or love. I thought that if she wanted to talk to me then she should have kept us. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.

When my mother was a child she got to do whatever she wanted; my aunts took care of her while my grandmother was out, working or living with a boyfriend. She got to run rampant and she never had discipline, which is why I believe she never grew up. My mother didn’t have to take care of herself because my aunt was always there to take care of her. My mother was still living her childhood when she had me, which was why she didn’t take very good care of me either. But even though she didn’t show it, I knew she loved me more than anyone in the world.

My mother has a lot of problems, and I now understand that. I don’t feel betrayed and unwanted anymore, I feel like the decisions she made helped me become the person I am today. If my mother hadn’t have been so careless and irresponsible, then I wouldn’t have the values that I have now. Even though my mother has problems I still respect her decision to give my sister and me to my aunt. If she wouldn’t have done it, we wouldn’t have the stability and love that we have with our aunt. She is now getting her life together and I am so proud of her. Even though it’s too late for her to raise me the right way, it isn’t too late for my little sister, and I hope my mother gets that chance. But even though I don’t show it, I hope my mom knows that I love her more than anyone in the world.





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