I have this fear.

This fear that encompasses me and wells my eyes up with so many tears at night that I drown. This fear that makes me say ‘I love you’ too many times and scorns me when I feel silly anger towards someone I love. I have this fear that constantly puts me on a desperate edge when I’m alone. This fear that holds me back. I have this fear that I think too much about. Or maybe not enough.

I have this fear.

And what I fear is inevitable.

My mother is beautiful. Her eyes twinkle and wrinkle with smiles when she looks and talks. Her laugh is loud and contagious.

My father is strong. He disciplines me so that I know the difference between what is wrong and what is right and then he laughs and sings and dances with me.

My sister is young. We fight till I feel broken but there are times when we have so much fun that I never want the moment to break.

My grandma is of a word so important and fantastic that I cannot be smart enough to find it, but I know it’s there. She is the center and she breathes love.

And thinking of my loved ones makes my eyes well up with so many tears that I drown. I say ‘I love you’ too many times and I scorn myself when I feel silly anger towards someone I love. I’m on a desperate edge when I’m alone and I am held back and I think too much but not enough.

I have this fear of loss.

Because thinking of losing someone I love or not knowing when I’ll see them last makes me sob and I say ‘I love you too many times because I want to make sure they know it so that is why I punish myself when I feel anger. And I’m on a desperate edge when I’m alone because I do not want to be alone. I’m held back because I want them more than anything in the world. And sometimes I think too much about this fear. But then I feel I don’t think enough because I know that my fear is inevitable.

And I don't know if it makes me feel stronger or weaker.

I just know it makes my heart pound.