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A Parallel Universe Called Karma
That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it may be just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world to let go of. After that one tear falls a shower, storm, natural flowing waterfall follows it flooding your cheeks and forcing you to use your hands as a napkin. It runs down your cheek to your nose and finally falls off your chin. And when that last tear drops you look at the ground wipe your face and realize it doesn't do a damn thing to fix anything but make your throat hurt and breathing harder. Supposedly, crying is a sign of weakness but I feel it’s a sign that you’ve been calling out for help but no one has been there to answer your call, all that’s left is the dial tone and an operator. Can you please direct me to someone who loves me for me!?
I knew if I turned my head I would lose it, so I kept my eyes focused on everything outside the window, trying to concentrate. Unfortunately, everything looked sad and cold as I felt. As I stared trying to look past my reflection as the light from inside the room reflected off the dark blue sky that sat behind the window making it difficult to see my mood slowly became parallel to what I was seeing and feeling. The cool breeze nipped at my neck, I pulled the blanket up and wrapped it around my neck like a scarf. That must’ve been his arms around me. The wind whispered in my ear as it tried so hard to squeeze its way through the small crack between the window and window sill. That must’ve been his voice. “Bzzzz Zzz” the phone vibrated. It sat on my lap. Oh No, I had turned my head and lost it. Lost what? I lost the picture, the picture I was painting the wind- his voice that calmed me in times of chaos, the cool breeze- his arms that comforted me, and the moon and stars- his eyes that saw right into my heart.
Reluctant at first I picked it up, drew the unlock code on the screen and slowly hit the message icon to see the text that made me commit suicide and finally let go of the chord I thought was keeping me happy and satisfied. Little did I know the only chord that did that was an umbilical cord and I was long past that stage of my life. Yes, suicide because the girl that was attached to that “umbilical cord” had grown up. She realized she no longer needed his compliments or his lies to continue living, just like a baby at a certain time is made aware that its mother’s nutrients and blood is no longer needed. He was no longer her means to survival.
The message read:
“What happened was mistake no more us. Just forget it happened because I already have. You will never be her and you no longer have my heart she does. It was fun while it lasted. ”
You’re probably gasping at the moment, thinking of reasons why he would say that. Just cut it out! Don’t even bother trying to figure it out because I did, I tried. After that message’s meaning had finally registered in my head. After reading it 5 times over I sat there and wondered. I tried so hard to think of things I had done and things I hadn’t done to make him say that. I began to make things up and over exaggerate times when I had done something that maybe, just might have made him upset. That was just the start.
That night I sat there hour-after-hour, passing like pellets of water falling out a dripping faucet. Drip, Drip, Drip, Tick, Tock, Tick! After creating these reasons I began to believe them. I started feeding my mind garbage. I started thinking that I wasn’t pretty enough, good enough, smart enough. Even worse than thinking it I started believing it and soon after feeling it.
I had cut everybody off family, friends, and school. I didn’t even want to see it because I knew I would see him walking down the hallway and our eyes would meet. He would see my pain and I would see his joy.
I fell into this depression. I began not wanting to eat. I stopped caring about my hair, my clothes, just me in general. I spent seconds, minutes, hours, and days at a time being sad and shutting out the world. For those two months it felt like my life was just passing me by. Have you ever stood outside and just looked up at the sky you just see the clouds passing by? Well that’s how it felt. It was like I was there but not really there.
This was all until one day I was sitting on my bed in my room. Legs crossed, wrapped in a blanket, phone sitting face down on my lap. I looked outside my window, this time not concentrating on the external factors. For once I was concentrating on what was looking back at me, my reflection. I sat there for hours beating myself up about how I had been such a fool by letting this boy take control of me even though I had “let go” of him. I began to tell myself the total opposite of what I was telling myself before. I was beautiful, I was smart, I was better than good enough, I was nothing but exceptional. Tear began to fall and as soon as the last one had fallen “Bzzzz Zzz” the phone vibrated. I know exactly what you’re thinking and yes you’re half-way correct. This time it wasn’t a text it was a phone call. Amazed at the number that I was seeing on my caller ID it took a few moments for me to focus. I cleared my throat and slid my finger across the screen answering the call. It was funny actually. The voice on the receiving end of the phone sounded a lot like my voice when I was sitting at my window the first time.
I could tell he had been crying even though I had never actually seen or heard him cry. You know the voice where it sounds like you have a knot in your throat. Yea, that voice. He was absolutely miserable without me, the girl he thought had his heart had broke it. On top of that he wanted something he could never ever have I a million years, ME. Before having that talk with my reflection I probably would’ve cursed him out or even worse actually went back to him and repeat the cycle all over again because to him at that moment I was his rebound. Just like in basket ball with rebounds in basketball you may get them but you may not score. This was the one rebound he was not getting one, two, or three points for.
I guess it’s true when they say what goes around comes back around. I had finally realized that all the love, care, and attention I needed I could give myself and that I didn’t need him to tear me down or build me up. Everything happened for a reason. Like a muscled I was torn down and built back up stronger and more solid than ever. I was still standing fearless and confident. All I had been through just made me strong. I lost all my feelings for him and he could not get to me. I was finally content and secure with just being me. I had visited a parallel universe. It started off with me feeling like less than a person, not eating, crying, having low self-esteem to me being confident, fearless, smiling and him being left to cry, wonder why, and how. Now he was the one listening to the dial tone. Only difference is he didn’t need the operator because in a Parallel Universe I would be the person to care for him. Just from a distance.