All For You

January 12, 2012
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Last night/this morning (seeing as how I didn't find my bed and go to sleep until 5 am) I had a dream, the dream was that I was doing my LA Final for Ambersmacker's class...except - this was a different poem. It was written for, dedicated to, motherf***er watermelon... I started to present its title and my name, when he silently walked in. I didn't see him as I started to read/ present. He walked over to Marchi's desk, but Marchi made him be quiet so he could also hear. I looked up, and focused on the guys who flank me: Michael-behind me, Corda-in front of me, Larry-diagonal, and Randal-beside me. I look down again as I my mouth presents the words I put time, energy, love, hate, and thought into. I look up again at faces I know, but I don't really see. I continue to speak, his face balks and goes slightly pale. He sits down to wait and hear the rest of it because he obviously can't talk to Marchi. I get close to the end and look up having memorized the last four stanzas. When I finish, I get not a snap, but an applause. Marchi is smirking, Ambersmaker is saying his usual good jobs and thank you’s, but then it got silent as I finally looked up at a simple, "Really?" I step out from behind the podium-my shield, and nod. "That's how you felt, I mean how you feel?" He asked me as a hush fell over the room. I finally got the courage to look up with the paper clutched in my hands, "Yeah Cam, it's that way." I loose eye contact with him, but he only proceeds to stare at me as I hand in the papers and ask to go to the restroom. Larry at this time is smirking and Weber has the Uh-Oh, look about him, knowing what the situation was and is because I told him about it in the 7th grade. Ambersmaker seeing my discomfort said yes. I walk out the door and toward the bathroom seeing it as my escape. I hear Cameron calling my name after me. Thinking he wouldn't follow me I walked into the bathroom and sit against the wall by the sinks, and lower my butt to the cold floor and back against the wall. He comes in anyway, ignoring the women only sign that everyone should know how to respect. He just-stood there. When I finally looked up I asked, ”Oh now what do you want??? Haven’t you done enough to me already?” He knelt and picked up my hand off of my knee. “I had no, okay well some clue/idea, but hate Cutie, really? You hate me? You only feel pain whenever you look or think of me now?” “Yeah I told you, yes that’s all I can do now. You killed me, I have countless others dedicated and wrote to you. Just go. I can’t stand talking to you like this, like nothing has changed in the past three years. You changed, I feel as if I don’t even know you anymore. Just leave, go away.” And with that a tear started to roll down my cheek. He leaned forward and tenderly, gently, affectionately, kissed it away. “How long have you hated me Cupcake?” “About four months… and counting.” “Why?” “Because you don’t deserve me. And everyone I think would agree with me, even people who don’t know you would agree. They can see what you put me through. Just go. I don’t know why you even bothered to come after me. You’re a jack ass and a douche,” as I said that my dearest Ashley came in to be my champion, “Cour, you okay? And what are you doing in here? This is a women’s facilities only place, and you’re freaking hurting her, I don’t care if she loved you once upon a time or still loves you. This girl? She deals with all our problems without complaint and tries to speak of you highly, but no, you keep making angry words come out of her mouth. Leave her alone. Go away so I can take care of me and the girl’s Mama bear.” “F*** that, who’s this Court?” “One of my baby bears dumbass, and currently my knight in shining armor… or she should be yours, because right now I’m ready to swear you out like a sailor, break your nose, give you two black eyes, a fat lip, no children possibilities and possibly a broken wrist. See how much you care then. It would be for your own good, because you need to wake up. Come on Ashley, have my boys presented yet? I mean did Weber go? I helped him…” I continued to the classroom as we walked out leaving him sitting there. “I’m a dumbass alright,” he muttered under his breath as he got up and started to walk down the stairs after he escaped the girls’ bathroom. When I sat down in my seat Jordan (who also sits next to me and deals with my pottery chatter) was up. Her’s was really pretty, and in-between Marchi choosing Larry decided to open his trap he calls a mouth, ”So uh, hey Courtney, you still got a thing going for Cameron? I mean wow, that was inspiring. Especially because you didn’t know he was in here the whole time, how can you keep a crush for that long?” Whipping around so that Michael jumped, I slammed my palms on our desks, ”You’ve always been the same huh Larry? You’re never going to change, first in sixth grade you and Griff about me and Bezzina just talking and catching up, and now nosing into this. You never did have a sense of what’s good for you, you still don’t, and oh man if I wasn’t so intent on the fight I had eith myself over my freaking final and how big of a mistake it was, then I’d kick Cameron’s ass first, then yours, I almost did Cameron’s in the bathroom after he followed me in, but nope, Ashley managed to help him escape, you better give me a good excuse why I shouldn’t at least fry your balls for my dinner.” “I uh, um,” Larry was still stuttering as Michael started to laugh under his breath. “Okay, I won’t… this time. Just mind to your own damn business now Larry, you too Michael.” And I turn back around. The bell finally gave sign for release. And walking in the open air home didn’t help… {thus, at this point I woke up, below is the final for this dream}
They say there’s a thin line between love and hate
A thin line between pain and pleasure
There’s a strange bond between all four of these
Interconnected train tracks, parallel,
steel connected by the wooden planks holding them up,
above ground and together
I walk that line.
That thin line.
I don’t see the silver lining where I walk
Pain comes after love which has turned into hate
Pleasure accompanied that love but
-is now gone to bittersweet memories
Writing reminds me of the first time we actually talked;
You of coarse reading my writing
Music reminds me of the silly little girl;
Whom cried at the slightest hurt,
What did you do with her?
The very street I walk on seems unworthy of me.
Bittersweet memories.
That crush turned into more of an infatuation
You became more important,
More woven into the fishing basket of my life
My love started to bloom, fresh and new.
I felt pleasure knowing that you didn’t mind me around.
I found pleasure when we would simply sit and talk
I found love in the toughening streak you started to put me trough
I found love in the habits you started to form
The pleasure and love just kept coming
I tried to get over you-many a time
But each time I tried, I was afraid of the pain,
So I held on
Love incorporated pain;
somewhere close to the lines of pleasure
strung on habits that I didn’t notice-
but everyone hated
now you killed me,
left me alone with all my sorrow, grief, and pain
all the memories of love- lost now
I walk the line whenever your name is mentioned,
I walk the thin line between love and hate.
I hate you, I swear I do, but yet;
I love you.
My thin line I walk because of you.
You taught me how to be the bull headed female.
You taught me in your weird way not to cry,
You showed me your weird ways of love.
I hate you for making me fall,
I hate you for teaching me not to cry though pain
I hate you for making me continue on through this pain.
I love you.
I always have, and probably always will.
You will forever be
My Jt, my Tj, my Cj, my Ct,
You will always and forever be in my heart.
I walk this thin line between love and hate
All for you, Cameron.

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