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Love?

I have hidden from love, too afraid to fall for someone. I don't want to feel pain or remorse. To me, love is like a fire. If you play with it you get hurt! I have seen what some relationships have done to people and how far they can drag you down. Yet I have also seen the happiness it can bring to someone, the uplifting side of it. Yet is it safe to take chances?

Never would I have thought I would avoid such a big part of my life. As though it were a toy that was meant to be tossed out. My mind whirls everytime I try to think about love! Does it bring strength to me? Is it a weakness? Will I be hurt by it? The topic confuses me and it brings me into the strangest of conversations. I also wonder if my questions will be answered by experience instead of another person.

I watch from a distance as my friends get their hearts broken almost every week and then go and find somebody new. It seems to be a routine of us teens. But why is it that I fear it so much? I can't even admit my feelings to my best friend! It's as though I hide in complete self denial. I can't help but have feelings as everyone else, but I push them away trying to hide every ounce of emotion. Yet how can you hide what is quite obvious? You don't. Nothing can be hidden forever.

I had once fallen for a boy, he was one of my best friends. And I had tried to hide my emotions, yet it had flowed off me and he had sensed it. I hated how well he could sense it. I felt a horrid sense of humiliation and shyness as for one day he asked me if I loved him. I hadn't really answered it honestly. I was so nervous and pressured I had said no. He persistently kept saying he could tell I did and finally I ran away from it. Too scared to truely tell him because I was afraid he would think of me differently. How was I to know I should've been honest? I was never taught. To this day he won't look at me when he talks to me. My heart aches when ever I see his dull eyes look upon me. I still have feelings for him, and I still wish I could tell him everything. But how? I wonder if this is love? Or is it something else?



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