As I ponder last night, regret pools up in my mind and seeps down through my body, chilling my flesh as it approaches the deep pit of my stomach. Numbing nausea grips me, hurting in my chest while making my vision both weak and blurry. Icy pangs of guilt taunt me. The demons in my heart laugh at me mercilessly. They know what has happened, they know how hard it was, they know all I do is fight, and still their haunting howls echo in my mind. The finiteness of “it’s over” seems so malignantly surreal that I struggle to grip shifting reality. How could something so pure, so amazing ever become so tainted and filthy? How could I feel so old and cynical and broken at the age of seventeen? What we had was something so rare and so beautiful, and yet it became as toxic and evil as the doubts and insecurities that consumed the two of us. My mind drifts away from these thoughts, floating over every fight and broken promise to the first day, ten months and a lifetime ago…
My heart pulsated rapidly with anticipation as she shyly walked out of the car toward me. I hopped up and down, the energizer bunny with the vertical skills of an NBA superstar, as the flux of emotions swirling in my head escaped the restraints of my mind and manifested through my feet. My heart froze in terror as she gazed at me with a look I could only perceive as condescending judgment; it began to beat again when her face melted into a sincere smile, and a nervous giggle. Anxiously sauntering to where she stood, I snaked my arms through hers, crossed them behind her slim waist and embraced her so tightly that our unified figure was thrown off balance. We teetered for a moment like bowling pins before re-establishing our position on the smooth concrete. I removed my face from her shoulder just to catch her eyes as she did the same; we were so close that the warmth from her graham-cracker brown cheeks radiated onto my already flush face. Her slender fingers slowly snuck into mine and stole my palm away. My ghostly green eyes were still level with hers, the color of coffee as sunlight passes through it, and the beautiful marbles narrowed to a squint as the corners of her mouth stretched upwards, reaching for the November sun. She slowly leaned in and up toward my face, and my neck tingled as her soft, full lips sank into mine delicately. Heat swirled through my body despite the bitter, cold wind, and as she pulled away my heart and mind and body were flooded with the warmth of adoration. My first kiss with a girl I was in love with lingered on my lips and I used our locked hands to guide her until she was pressed tightly against my side. Laughing happily, and reeking with the affection I knew we both felt, she swung her free arm in front of us and formed what looked like a question mark with her thumb and fingers. I matched its mirror with my own, and before us stood a single heart made our two nervous, loving hands. Though noticeably disconnected at the two places where my pink fingers touched her brown ones, our love stood, tangible, right there before us; we smiled. I looked at her, she looked back, and we promised we’d never change.