Lifetime: part two; Thomas.

December 16, 2011

It hurt like crazy, like I was being drug across a meadow of razorblades. I felt like I was being doused with lemon and salt in my fresh new cuts.

He said it with a smile on his face!
I couldn’t hear anything, not even myself screeching like nails on a chalkboard, I was calling his name…but I couldn’t tell.

He didn’t come back.

I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe, my lungs were gasping, nothing made sense, I couldn’t feel anything, I was vaguely aware of the hands all over me telling me to breathe and to calm down.

He wasn’t here.
I was in so much agony; I had heard the murderous words thundering in my ear.

We’re done.
I blacked out all over again. I must have fallen because when I opened my eyes I could feel the blood draining from my skull and it made me dizzy, my knees buckled out from underneath me.

I didn’t want to believe it.
I wasn’t aware I was moving, let alone saying his name…for all I knew I could have been falling out of an airplane screaming so loud my throat was burning.
I couldn’t believe it. He was really gone.
He walked away.

Although he was the one who hurt me, I wanted him. I wanted his hand to hold mine and I wanted his arms around me. I wanted his voice in my ear, I wanted him.

He didn’t want me.
Every step I took my knees buckled. I kept collapsing. Every time I opened my mouth to talk I would breathe his name.

I was bawling.
I felt like a thing of matter, lie I didn’t even exists anymore. He was all I had. He was the only thing that kept me alive and healthy. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t move, see, or smell.

I lost my senses.
I was a thing of gravity, no matter.
I can’t live without him.


Later when I got home and calmed down a bit and tried to sort things out, I called him.
I demanded to know why he hurt me.
I thought I was the one hurting but yet he was the one crying on the phone.

Was he hurting too?
As he talked I realized he actually felt bad. He knew what he had done.
“Baby listen. I’m sorry. I know you’re hurting, I’m hurting too. I screwed this all up.”
I was so confused….I wanted to comfort him, but then I hated him with passions I’ve never felt.

This was ludicrous, I waned to laugh in his face, but in reality I couldn’t.
“I’m sooo sorry. Please? Tell me you understand.”

“Thomas I unders- I can’t- bye.”
I hung up.

Hours later my mom handed me the phone.

“Here” She said.

“I don’t want it” I groaned.

“Yes you do trust me”

“No I really don’t mom”

“Diamond……take the phone”

“NO” I shouted

“YES” she urged.
I was getting mad!

“Who is it” I said
“Its Thomas” she said softly.

I got nervous. I took the phone.

“Hello?!” I asked sniffing

“Hey” his voice said.

“What do you want?” I snarled coolly
My mom eyeballed me and walked away.
“Diamond, babe, please listen to me?” his crackling voice asked


“I’m so sorry”

“Oh, bull! If you were sorry you wouldn’t have done it!”

“Just listen…..ok?”
I didn’t want to hear his voice, it just tore me more.

“Alright, I’m listening”

“Ok now I know I screwed up ok? But I need you I-I love you!”

I was choking on my breath again.

“Ok Thomas but if you love me, then why would you hurt me like that? And say it with a smile on your face? Really?! I love you Thomas, I really do but right now”

I hummed an angry laugh.

“Hmhmhm, right now I’m disgus- no not disgusted, revolted.”

“I’m sorry and I would be like that towards me too, and I’m sorry, please?” he sniffed, his repentant voice said longingly.

“Thomas...” I paused doubtfully.

“Yes?” he asked just a bit disturbed.

“I love you and I hate this but—“

“I’m sorry!, Don’t you get that?” He interrupted me.

“Yes Thomas, I do get that!, but I’m hurting right now and I’m confused on what to do, okay?!! Just shut your freaking mouth for a second, okay?” I started shouting. I was exasperated.
I was letting him break me again!

“Ok.” He said very feebly.
I took a deep breath, and braced myself for the events that were about to turn up.
I started talking again.

“Look, Thomas, I’m going to forgive you, Only because I love you….but don’t expect me to be all over you and all happy and excited to see you. It’s not going to be all like that ok? It’s going to be hard for me to look at your face and into your eyes. You don’t know how bad it will hurt me.”
I was explaining hesitantly.

“I know can I—will you at least hug me? I love you, and I know I messed up, and I know I hurt you, and I am so sorry that I did that. I-I messed up so bad…I’m just sorry, and I have no idea how to fix it. I’m pathetic.”
He was crying again, saying everything so thickly and woefully. I wanted to comfort him.
I startled myself with my outburst.

“Thomas, just, just---STOP”


“Just stop! I know you’re sorry, just stop saying it!”

“Do you want to be with me?”

“Yes, Thomas, Why do you think I’m trying to make this work? Even though I’m having legit problems trusting that this will have a positive outcome.”
I was thinking really hard.

“Yeah, I kinda figured that much and I really don’t blame you for all of this, I don’t, I know I screwed up big-time, I would- I DO hate me right now, and I wouldn’t trust me either, and I would probably slap myself in the face with extra force.”

“Do you trust yourself, Thomas Emanuel?” I challenged.
I thought I knew the answer. But I was wrong.
He hesitated at first.

“Yes” he answered righteously.

I stopped.

I didn’t want to hear his voice anymore...
I didn’t care what he had to say. That was such a lie.
I cared.
So I asked the worst question ever.

“Why did you do it?” I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer.
There was a long pause.
I started sweating again.

“I don’t know. It all happened so fast!”
His voice was heartbreakingly heavy with emotion and sincerity. It was wearing me down. I wanted to cry with him, but I was trying to prove I was stronger than him. And that I could take it. But reality hit me, I realized that I was insecure, that I really couldn’t take the pain, and I wanted him to fix it.

“I don—“
He cut me off.

“I know it doesn’t make sense, but like, Ashley said some things and I felt bad, and I didn’t know what I was doing, let alone thinking, so I broke up with you to make her feel better and I am really sorry I did that and I cant stand that I hurt you like this!”

t sounded like he was about to burst into tears again, his voice even cracked at the end.


“I know I am so sorry, I couldn’t think, and I hate myself for this!”

don’t know what happened here, but I snapped. I broke. His words ate away at me like Coke on a freshly painted car, or acid on metal. It hit me to the core.
I exploded!

“HATE YOU! HOW COULD YOU?! My BESTFRIEND?! The person that’s supposed to be MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME?!

“I’m sorry” his voice was small, just barely audible.
I heard him choke on the other line.

felt something warm and wet roll down my face, and curve delicately around my chin and drop onto my thigh.

Was I crying? Was I even breathing? This was the worst feeling ever. I couldn’t feel anything except for the tears, which that feeling was fading too.

I couldn’t believe this. Or him. Or even myself. I was going to be sick. I had to hang up before I threw up!

“I have to go Thomas.”

“Why? Please don’t?” his voice cracked. Shoving the already deepened rusty serrated knife into my broken heart even deeper.

“I am so disgusted at all of this, and—“
I gagged.

“I’m going to get sick.”
I hung up without waiting for a reply, oh well I thought as I ran down the squeaky stairs to violently get sick.

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