The change

In 2007 my family’s problems began to increase a lot. My parents drank a lot and fought so constantly that I slowly began to not care. I spent all my time in the park since it was summer. I loved staring up at sky, watching how the sun came out; it fascinated me. It was alone but yet didn’t need nothing else to look bright, the sun is so strong and always there. Sometimes the clouds might cover it, but the next day it comes back, stronger than before. I would leave my house around 9am and come back until 8 or 9 and sometimes even 10. I didn't care how many times I got yelled at, how many times I got in trouble. To me life decisions were pointless. It was like choosing how to write the date, number of date, then month or month then date. It simply doesn't matter and it is just plain stupid. All I cared about was having fun, I saw life like a game, and if I died I didn't care, it would just be a game over.

The gang I hung out with were my only friends, the only ones I could count on. I stopped talking to people at school, even the one who had been my best friend since 2nd grade. When school started in September I started skipping and attending parties instead. We would jump people just for the fun of it, for once I finally felt important. As time passed by I got closer to them and farther away from my family. In the summer of 2008, I met guys from other gangs, our enemies. My worst mistake was going out with one of them. I knew the rules and knew he was not allowed on my block nor I in his, or else both our life’s would be in danger. Days later rumors began to spread. One of the guys I always thought would always have my back was the main one to start the rumors.

"He is in her house, I saw him go into her building,” he will say.

I would hear the conversations since they sometimes hanged out outside my building.

"What? Don't be slacking son, you serious?" they would ask him.

"Yes, he be going to her crib and be coming out the fire escape. Nos estan biendo la cara de pendejos. (They see our face like we're stupid.)"

I would feel my whole body burn, I wanted to yelled at him to shut the heck up, but I knew it was useless. The guys I always thought to be there for me, turned their back on me. I could see the hate they felt for me in their eyes. I felt betrayed and couldn't believe it. I thought they trusted me, but I was wrong. They wouldn't even let me explain myself, so I always avoided them. I would ignore it all and stare at the sky until sunset came. To some it might be romantic to watch, but to me in those moments it was relaxing. As the sun left, so did my hope and the sky slowly turned into darkness.

Whenever they would see me they would gather up in a crowd, then chasing me. I felt my heart beating faster every time I went to the store, or even just came out my building. I felt like there was somebody following me, and I looked back all the time. I was no longer safe, not even in my own house because they knew where I lived. I was getting tired of it all, it couldn’t stay like this. I wanted revenge on them, make them feel the way I did, scared to even look outside their own building. Talking to other gangs and knowing enough information about the ones I used to hang out with, I knew I could get them back. I knew I could make them regret every single thing they had done, make them wish they had never even met me.

Thinking of what to do, how to do it and with who, my mom interrupted my thoughts on August 24th, 2008. It was still sunny outside, probably around 5:00PM. Though it was summer, I could feel a slight breeze come through the window. My mom sat next to me, showing me a pregnancy test. Right away I knew what she was going to tell me, I felt a cold chill run over me. I was shocked, since all my life it has just been me and my one year younger brother. I couldn’t believe that now a baby was coming over 11 years later. I felt the room spinning, my hands moist and I began to crack my fingers. I felt a butterfly sensation, not just in my stomach; but my whole body. It was a mixed of emotions, all at once.

A million thoughts ran through my head;

"Can this be true? Can't even keep their eyes on two kids, yet they having another one? Great one more person in my so called family. Maybe it won't be so bad after all, how would the baby look? What would it be, boy or girl? What's going to be the babies’ name?" Than the one question that got me to changing was

"What if people compare her to her big sister, what would they say about her?"

That's when it hit me, when I knew all I was doing was stupid, how it wasn’t going to affect just my life, but the people around me. All of a sudden I felt ashamed. I couldn't bare to look my mom in the face, and she was still talking to me. Lost in my thoughts, I had no idea of what she was telling me, but than she hugged me. It had been a long time since my mom did that. Feeling her warm embrace reminded me of the sun. Might not always be in sight, but always there for me when I need them. It might take them days to come to me, even weeks; but they’ll be there. I felt regret inside of me. I was disgusted with myself and couldn't believe what I had become.

Six months later, my parents started attending a Christian church in Bedford park. I wasn't used to it since all my life I had been Catholic. Everything there was so different, I hated the way my parents made me go to church, but having no choice but to listen, I began getting inspired. The words they said helped me realized how my mistakes all led me up to where I was. How everything I did was going to affect who I become. I had to not have regrets, but take every mistake in my life like a lesson. There was no turning back either way,, what was done is done. I was only glad I was never stupid enough to actually do drugs or let guys disrespect me. Most importantly, I wasn't stupid enough to let others change me, and though it took me time, I’m glad at last I found myself. I even felt proud of myself, not all the people in my situation would be able to say that, but I was one of them and believe it or not, I was proud. It could had been worse; but it wasn't.

Every time I now look at sky, it is more amazing than ever. Now though, I see the sun as my strength. How I now keep on no matter what happens, and though the sun goes away, my strength doesn’t. It transforms into the moon, changing it’s faces once in a while; but in the end finally comes back to itself. That’s how I see it because though I try to be a better person, I still make mistakes. Regardless of my mistakes, I always find myself. The stars always there even though we don’t always see them, are like my true friends and family. All I have to do is be patient, but I know no matter what; they’ll never leave me and life without them wouldn’t be the same.

I thank God for putting my baby sister in my way, for opening my eyes into reality. Now Almost three years later, I have two baby sisters. My parents no longer drink, I assist church regularly and most importantly; I have 3 big reasons to live for. God, family, true friends included and myself. Now I've realized how precious life is and how I am very lucky to have it. I've been taught to appreciate everyday how it comes, there's people in the world that have it worst, and not everything in life is going to be easy. Every time I start feeling down again or depressed, I go to my little sisters, see them smile, and know everything is going to be okay. I am once again best friend with Ana and our friendship is stronger than ever. My parents don’t have as many problems, my life isn’t perfect ; but it sure seems like it. I know I have nothing to worry about, and I have an amazing boyfriend, who has helped me through a lot. Life it's self is more precious than gold, and we shouldn't waste it.





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