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Make the Pain Go Away
Deep into the winter, my family and I go up to the mountains for winter break. I was only 7 years old when it happened. We where in the living room of our cabin, and my dad was preforming card tricks. We all stared at him amazed at how he could do these things. He would guess our card that he didn't see, and shuffle them so good no card was in the same spot.
We where snowed in that night. The snow was piled high and look amazing with the green pine. We soon ran out of things to do. We couldn't go out side because it was snowing to hard. We didn't want to go to bed, because us kids wanted to stay up all night. There was no TV, we got bored of playing cards, and we couldn't find any other games.
“What do you wanna do?” I would ask my sister.
“I don't know.....There is nothing to do.” she replied
“Yes there is! I challenge you all to a dance off.....I bet I will win!” My Dad said to us.
That got us going, we could all dance better than my dad, he was awful! We begin. Of cores it was hard because well there was no music, the only sound was our laughter. Soon all of the kids got tired, so we watch my mom and dad dance. My mom did one fast motion of her leg, and falls to the floor. Wincing in pain she yells that her knee hurts. In shock we all rushed up to her asking her what she needed.
She began to cry. I had never seen this before. Sure I had seen my mom cry, but only because of books and movies. Not once because of pain. I was terrified, my mom was really hurt! A ton of thoughts ran through my head. I didn't know what to think of the situation. Soon I cried, all of us kids cried. All crouched around my mother who was crying in pain, in the winter, and the closest hospital was miles away. Fear overcame me.
One year past and my moms knee still hurt. Two years, three years. Four years, this was when my mom had enough. I was 11 when she got her surgery. I was existed, my mom would finally be free of her pain, and things would be back to the way they where. But dreams don't always come true.
She got her surgery, and felt pain free. For only a few days, then her back began to hurt, bad. The Doctor said her disc slid out and she would experience chronic acute pain. Meaning insistence, all the time pain.
She got pain killer medicine, but that wasn't enough. She would stay up at night for 11 hours from pain and only get one hour of sleep. She would have to go on walks all the time. And take the medicine and a lot of it. She became addicted to it. She would take it multiple times a day because it would get rid of the pain.
When all of this was happening I felt so hopeless and lost. My mom was in all of this intense pain and there was nothing that I could do about it, nothing. I could make it go away like the medicine did. I couldn't talk to her, because what would that do for her. At times I wouldn't see her all day because she would be up in her room, trying to sleep, trying to make that pain go away.
One time we where driving home from school. I started to tell my mom about my day, and how it went. I looked over at her and saw that she was crying, because it hurt to bad.
“Mom whats wrong?” I said as if i didn't know the what she was going to say
“My back it hurts....I am uncomfortable.....it hurts so much....” she said trying to fight back tears.
“I am sorry.” I said “What can I do?” I said hoping she would say something.
“To make my pain go away? Hun there is nothing you can do.” she said.
I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to do something. I didn't just want to watch my mom be a in pain and not do anything! I felt so many emotions. Sadness, anger, hopeless, defeated. It was like fighting a battle you couldn't win. The enemy was stronger. A few months after that my mom began to talk about surgery. On her back. Not only was that extremely expensive, but also risky.
“What other choice do I have? I just want the pain to go away for ever. And my Doctor said it would do that!” she said to my dad almost pegging him.
“I want your pain to go away too.” she said grasping any words to say.
“Mom.” I said
“Yea Lexi.” she said
“What if you get the surgery, but the pain doesn't go away?” I said to her hoping she would have a answer.
She began to cry. I felt so guilty. I didn't want to make her cry, not at all. I wanted her to answer. I felt sick to my stomach. I just made my mom cry I thought. I felt then like the enemy she was fight against. Surprisingly what I said made her think twice. She got options from other doctors that told her to not get surgery. That it would heal on it own. All my mom had to do now it wait. That pain reduced, and now it is only occasional. She takes less median, and sleeps better. I am so happy that it is going down. I feel much closer with my mother than I did 6 years ago when she was in to much pain. I am so relived that it is healing and is something that is in our past. Not present. Not future. It is in the past and it will stay there.