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Escape

Waking up every morning, nothing on my mind but one thousand questions i asked myself everyday; how will this day turn out? Will I make it a good or bad day? Is this thee real me? Never getting any reply, I just went on withe everything I was doing. The events that happened at school were mundane. Nothing ever changed, and nothing happened. Everyday, I felt like something was missing, I never could figure out what it was. It could have been just me or it could have been my life. Whatever was missing, left its signature of doubt, taking a piece of my heart with it, leaving me with no hope of trying to find that missing piece. Sitting in a classroom with classmates I've been with since Kindergarten everyday was almost the worst of my life. Those people never changed, and it was tiring looking at the same faces everyday at school. While the teachers stood up gathering their thoughts, I would just sit there, thinking that they were speaking in a foreign language I couldn't understand, because I day dreamed a lot, feeling a sense of escape,remembering now that their were times I had to wake myself up to come back to this so called life of mine. Staring at the same walls in the classrooms was depressing, not an exaggeration either.It was uninspiring,having to go this mundane place Monday through Friday, but you couldn't blame me. I've been here for nine years. I was desperate for a change. Passing basketballs, riding buses to counties I've never heard of to play a basketball game, and getting C's on my report cards, was not the real Hannah. I was only playing basketball because a coach came up to me, and bluntly said I was tall, and asked me to join thee Middle School girls team, then a few of my friends pleaded of me to join, also my father; a man who strongly believed I was going to be on the UK women's basketball team once I graduated. So, I joined, starting in 5the grade, ended up playing all the way through 8th grade. Now, your probably wondering why, well I did enjoy it, but I knew that it was not something I was going to set priorities for, or do it for the rest of my life, and I also knew I loved to read and write; I never had time though. Coming home some nights at eleven o'clock from games, diminishing time away of what I really wanted to do. I really only played for those four years, because I had played for two years already, knowing I'm one of those kinds of people who starts something and has to finish, I felt like if I did stop I was giving up, and I completely disdain the notion of giving up. Though, I can't tell myself I had an aversion of basketball, or I regret playing, because it was an exhilarating experience. I am saying though, that I was completely ambivalent. Having friends who betrayed me, listening to what everyone else wanted me to do, doing it, not thinking, living with nothing I could hold on to, and having regret, were all of what I wanted to escape from. I wanted to change my ways, I wanted to start fresh to find my real self,start doing the things I love to do, being myself, and not listening anymore of what everyone else wants me to do. This is when I grew wings, sang a sweet song to myself, lifted up those wings, closing my eyes, lifting my legs slowly, and soaring through a soft blue sky, finally ready to make my escape.


I had a plan. It will now be called my master plan of escaping. my master plan of escaping was that I would transfer schools, set many goals that would be reachable in the beginning, be in search of new friends that I wouldn't have to call acquaintances, play a game of hide and seek to find the real me (I might have to count to one thousand), stable myself,finally start setting boundaries for writing,and begin reading again; so much of what I love.


Getting on a bus was different. I hadn't rode in one since 4th grade, and also my new bus driver was my next door neighbor. Walking to the bus, getting on, thinking what am I doing, this is crazy of me, looking around, a feeling of everyone watching me, finally sitting and marking my territory. I wasn't going to move from this spot, wasn't going to say a word, just be quiet, and relax. Sitting in this uncomfortable bus seat I started to think about my master plan, I couldn't believe I was on this bus. I left everyone and everything I wanted to forget behind me, like I was blowing off the seeds of a Milkweed, blowing all of it away, making a new wish. I had huge trepidation of walking in this school, but I managed to do it, like everything else. I remember on that day, there was a special guest, an assembly for "Rachel's Tears"; a drift of irony did that much but everything else on that day was like no other, everyone blank faced and alarmed, they all knew I was the new student. I completely disdained being called "the new kid"; number one I'm not a kid, number two I don't like to be referred to as "the new kid", who does anyway. I did meet this guy though, he came up to me, we greeted, and we talked. I didn't really know what to think, but I did know that I had never been greeted like that by a guy before, and he was absolutely adorable.


Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I have already been going to the new school for eight months now, and I have gradually made friends. The boy who greeted me was now my boyfriend, talking all the time, sitting at lunch together, and sharing memories withe each other everyday. I knew the moment I met his sister, and a few of her friends that those were the kinds of friends I was searching for, and I could count on. These were people who would stick together through thick and thin, these were people I belonged with, and I knew that we would all get along. I had a lot in common with my new friends, which helped to discover and unravel a whole other side of me. After finding friends that I wouldn't have to call acquaintances, I was relieved from pressure. As far as setting goals that are reachable, I have already met all of them. Now I need to play that game of hide and seek for the real me. I started writing one day, and I noticed that as I was writing, I kept on gaining knowledge of the real me. Walking through crowded hallways at school, talking with my new friends, reading, and writing, all were part of discovering my true self. Even, while at my house I would think, keep thinking, and never stop until one day I knew that I had finally got to one thousand.But the fact is that their was no "hiding and seeking", it was just a sudden change in my life, and in my heart that I cannot describe.



Trying to find yourself when you completely lost it is very hard. And I'm not saying that it only took eight months to find myself. Finding your true self is not something you can discover in an eight month period, well for me any way. I am still gathering pieces of the real me along the way,I never stop discovering parts of my true self. I just knew one day, that transferring schools had changed my life, it helped me find those pieces of my true self and put them together. I discovered that I had a passion for singing. I always loved to sing along with music on my Ipod but I never knew it meant something to me, it was like spring cleaning; finding things that were locked away, forgotten about, and finally looking through them. I also discovered that I wanted to take guitar lessons, still am actually. I have been able to explore my strengths and weaknesses. I have explored all the things I wanted to do in the past, giving them a shot, and finally being myself. Transferring schools gave it all to me. Gave me time to explore, game me time to relax and enjoy the little things in life. There was no more long bus rides to play a game of basketball, thank goodness. It gave me new friends that didn't tell me what to do and pressure me, and gave me the best of all, a new life that has a new me in in it. I have found out many things about me that I had no idea of. I have stabled myself. Locking all of what I found inside me, throwing the key away, no spares either. Stabling myself at this school, with my friends, and now getting A's on my report card, because I feel renewed. I don't have to worry about asking myself "is this the real me". I've discovered that you can find true pieces of yourself anywhere at anytime, and anyplace. I have set my boundaries for writing, I have mitigated myself, exploring through writing, exploring through reading; I now enjoy non-fiction books, something I didn't know before. And I have now completed my master plan of escaping.


Riding a bike is something I never did, but now do, because I explored through my book of things I wanted to do. Remembering...riding my bike. Hearing the sounds the birds made, the sound of my wheels rubbing against concrete, the smells of exotic plants and flowers, the smells of nature, my tight grip on the handle bars, the feeling of tranquility in my heart, and the feeling of freedom. Noticing that you can enjoy the little things in life, I do now. I had never experienced anything like real freedom before until then.


Traveling through a time machine that doesn't cease, just keeps going forever, is how my life is now. I never cease my ideas, or cease exploring. Life keeps shooting things out at me that I can hold on to forever, and letting me know I'm okay.


Could you believe that one small transfer could completely change your whole life? Well anything can change your life in good or bad ways,but you have to know to be prepared, be optimistic, and most importantly you have to let that one good thing change your life. I was completely ambivalent of everything in my life before, but I knew to be prepared for that one thing because none of what I went through was simple. How do you know when your prepared? Trust me you will know. But anyone can do what I did. Relax, take a deep breath, think of something you want,and close your eyes. Once you open them do the same thing over again until you notice that your mind is set on what you want to do, so go do it.


It wasn't the transfer itself that changed my life, it was what the transfer gave me. Exploring all the things about me, is what changed me, and my life.


I've always wanted to fly. Just start running towards an open sky,lift up wings, and fly away. Now, I fly all the time, fly away from doubts or troubles, and sometimes I fly away from everything, just to get away every once in awhile.





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