On February 7, 1999 one of my closest friends passed away, best known to me as my godmother. For most people, their first encounter with the death of a loved one is absolutely tragic and leaves them heart stricken. Usually it leaves an impression for the rest of a person’s life, and will open their eyes to the fact that death can come at anytime. Although my first experience with death took a similar path, it has shaped me into who I am today and has made me into an optimistic individual and stronger person, mentally.

My godmother Marie was one of the nicest, sweetest people I’ve ever known. Her smile was one of a kind that could never be forgotten along with her humbleness. She was so much more to me than just a relative; she was like a best friend that meant the world to me. Even though I was only four years old at the time of her death, I can still remember her clearly as if she was here yesterday. Almost every week she would come over to my house just to see me and my two cousins for whom my mother babysat. She would always bring something to give to me whether it’d be a toy, clothes, or a book and would play with me until she had to leave. And even when she didn’t stop by, my parents would bring me to the mall where she worked just so I could see her. But one day she ended up in the hospital and stayed there for what seemed like forever to me. It wasn’t until her final days that my mom told me specifically what was wrong with her after I had asked her repeatedly. She told me that she was very sick and had an illness named lupus, an autoimmune disease where the body's immune system becomes hyperactive and attacks normal, healthy tissue. Then suddenly, it was as if she completely vanished from my life and a part of me went missing.

As shocking as it was, it was like I refused to accept the fact that she was gone. My feelings could best be summarized as indifferent. Let’s face it, I was an innocent young child that had no concept of time or reality and I just didn’t know what was happening. From the last time I saw her, lying in her hospital bed and me standing next to her with my teddy bear clenched in my hand to the cold, February funeral, time was at a standstill for me. While I gazed at the casket slowly being lowered into the ground, all I could ask myself was “Where is she going?” But a single maple leaf fell onto the casket as if she were saying “I’m not going anywhere.” No tears were shed that day because frankly, I was in disbelief. When I look back on the great, yet short life she lived, I feel puzzled. Every day I look at her picture sitting on my dresser and wonder why God had to take her at such a young age. But being an optimistic person, I believe things happen for a reason in this life. I think that I never did lose a part of me the day she died even though it felt like it. I think I only got stronger from that experience, more so mentally than anything else. And being a firm, devout Catholic, I feel as though I became a stronger believer in my faith. I try to live my life the way God would want me to and the way Marie would too. Although she’s been absent at every one of my birthdays and special occasions since her death, I think she’s been looking down upon me from Heaven this whole time because I know that’s where she is.

While I miss Marie a great deal, she will forever be a big part of me for the rest of my life and somewhat of a good luck charm. I believe she’s instilled within me the determination and integrity that she once had, along with a sense of hopefulness and other wonderful traits. I realize that I can make a huge success out of my life just the way Marie would love to see and will always have the feeling that a guardian angel is looking down on me.