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By My Side

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I think this time is different from the rest of the summer. I’ve been upset before, gotten over it, and then gotten upset again, and then gotten over it. It’s been quite cyclic. I think I’ll get over it more quickly this time. Unfortunately, I don’t have another O.A.R. concert to help me. I don’t have Richard On here to be nice to me, to make me feel special, this time. I have to do it on my own now. However, I just can’t seem to stop hurting over you. It’s amazing, how different things were, this time last year. I think I had just gotten this little yellow dress, with colorful birds on it, in the mail, and I was asking you if you thought it would be too much to wear it on the first day of school. You said you liked the dress, and we talked about clothes and such. I didn’t really think anything of any compliments you gave me, because even though you were a guy, it was as if you were gay. I know, you aren’t gay, you have a girlfriend, and she was your girlfriend at that time as well. However, that’s just how I perceived it. You were my friend, and any compliments were taken at face value. This year, however, everything is misread, anything that has to do with you is misconstrued, anything that involves you is dissected and squeezed of meaning until it’s no more than pulp. You don’t even have to speak to me, for me to rip you down to bare intentions, to try and figure out everything. I don’t understand a thing, I don’t understand why I’ve entrusted my heart to another friend, only to have it mangled and mailed “return to sender.”  I don’t know how to find that balance between friends. I would love to just be best friends with my sister, and not worry about other people, not worry about making other friends. However, I know that’s unhealthy. I can’t do that, so I try to make other friends. But then I end up putting too much in to those friendships, too much of myself. I’m just like Ginny Weasley, putting all of myself in to a book, a friend, and have it turn around and betray me. I try not to feel sorry for myself, because I know it could be worse, but it doesn’t stop the pain. 

I just wish I could find someone who would stay by my side.



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